This week
- Christmas posers
What
do parents in the Southern hemisphere tell their children about Santa
Claus? After all there's no snow in most places and it's too warm
for that red suit. (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Geordie women
from the North East of England go to nightclubs in sub zero temperatures
but that doesn’t stop them enjoying themselves when they can’t
afford a warm coat. It works both ways. True, in some very hot countries
Santa misses out on purpose, so that concerts like Live Aid can be
organized instead.
On artificial Christmas Trees why do they always make the centre
trunk green? Wouldn't it be more realistic if it was brown? (Contributed
by Ryoga)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: I suppose you
would think us all white supremacists if it was a Silver birch? Frankly,
racist tree trunk issues can be avoided by having two trees. One brown,
and one white. I do. All my friends can see I have nothing to hide
with my pair of trunks.
Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone
else? (Contributed by Tinman)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Evidently. Last
year the ungrateful bastard only ate one of my ginger nuts.
Should we mail our presents early so the post office can lose
them in time for next Christmas? (Contributed
by J. Carson)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Please don’t
criticise the humble Postman when he has to deal with many times his
usual workload. You don’t moan if your junkmail is lost in the
mail do you? If you want him to deliver mail more quickly, set the
next door neighbours dog on him.
Why does the Christmas season always come when the shops are at
their busiest? (Contributed by Jim Poserina)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: It seems more
busy than it is, because of more shop lifters, store detectives and
mystery shoppers this time. Then think of all the decoys that make
up the other numbers? Also, it’s a fact that people are living
longer and that’s why old greedy people fill most queues at
shops.
Is it true that winter's not really over until you can't vacuum
up any more Christmas tree needles from your carpet? (Contributed
by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Almost. Wait until
New Year when all the needles that have fallen down the back of the
telly inevitably catch fire and then your Christmas really is over.
How does Santa's huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys?
(Contributed by Angela Trana)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: It’s not
rocket science. You may have to get it swept first. If Santa still
finds it a bit of a squeeze he may borrow your toilet before hand
and make a little more room. Check for clues Xmas morning. It’s
hard enough flying around the world with Easy Jet when it’s
engaged most of the time, imagine touching cloth in a bumpy old sleigh.
Why does Santa get down the chimney when the fire is going?
(Contributed by Angela Trana)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Perhaps he prefers
his nuts roasted?
Did Hallmark invent the Christmas Card? (Contributed
by MailBits.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: No. Hallmark reproductions
invented the first series of 1960 to 1980 “Top of the Pops’
‘pretend songs’ on albums that resembled the original
artists, about as convincingly as a Dick Van Dyke’s cockney
accent. The only reason I bought the whole set was because of the
nubile semi-naked young bints on the record sleeves that left me with
hard feelings and a laundry dilemma.
Why is it that your Christmas lights work just fine when you test
them before you string them up but they quit the moment you step back
to admire your work? (Contributed by The Vent
on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Yes, pesky Xmas
lights. You end up fondling them all night like bloody prayers beads.
Here's a few tips! Adorn your tree with solar powered lights. Stick
your favourite luminous condoms on the lawn during the day. Knot them
one end as normal and poke them onto your tree of an evening. Presto.
Environmentally friendly tree decks! Think of the energy you will
save not having to use them in the normal way. They double as Christmas
stockings too. Just put something very tiny in them as I do.
What exactly are 'reindeer games' anyway? (Contributed
by The Vent AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Well, why do you
think Rudolph has a red nose? I think some of his games went too far
and Shlitzen, Bitchen, Bosher and the others got fed up with Rude
Rudolph, sticking his nose in, when he was bringing up the rear. Now
he flies at the front these days.
Why don't department stores hire men to gift wrap? (Contributed
by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Absolutely. In
fact, even after Xmas, why not get gay men to gift wrap all your rubbish
so that dustmen take it away.
There is a church in Ontario Canada that is the third church on
its site because the first two burned down. With that in mind should
they really be giving everyone candles during the Christmas Eve services?
(Contributed by Laurel)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: This is a worthy
Health and Safety issue. When no snow is about always use a foam extinguisher
in future while worshipping to add realism. What did Moses do when
faced with a ‘burning bush’? He probably used some soothing
Greek yoghurt and put it on the gentiles.
Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts? (Contributed
by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr.Farquar-Smith’s comments: God… bringing
him his omni presents.
How come when department stores put their Christmas decorations
out in July, they have 'elegant foresight', but when I leave my Christmas
lights up until April, my neighbours just think I'm tacky? (Contributed
by Alisa Meadows)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Jesus is the light
of the world. You don’t need to be seen from space to celebrate
Christmas. Over the top decorations is just attention seeking. Shops
that have the brightest lights draw most of us like moths to a flame.
Save energy. Use static electricity by rubbing your Grandparents together
in their fusty man made fibres. If they ignite too readily it’s
probably because they are wearing flares and a blazer. If they sport
nylon underwear, wear asbestos gloves in case they ‘arc out’
on the stove. This phenomenon is friction caused by the Generation
Gap.
If Good King Wenceslas ordered a pizza, would it be deep pan,
crisp and even? (Contributed by Terry Galan)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Yes, it would
have the same consistency, especially, when the Venison is already
off and instead of snow, it looks like rain, dear.
Why is it that the ugliest Christmas decorations always go up
first and come down last? (Contributed by The
Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: We would all love
to hang ugly old Glitter forever but then the kids will probably still
have to spend Xmas with friends.
Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself? (Contributed
by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: In theory. Otherwise
how does he exist?
If a wise woman had come to the Nativity, she would have brought
nappies, wouldn't she? (Contributed by The Vent
on AccessAtlanta.com)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: This is true.
But she didn’t come, and so there you are. Our Lord shat everywhere.
The Three wise men probably stomped in all the blessed infants poop
anyway, because they were too busy looking up at a bloody star at
the time. No wonder they carried myrrh and frankincense with them,
barns are right smelly places anyway, without baby humans shitting
everywhere as well.
Why is it that all the trouble always happens close to Christmas?
(Contributed by Lady S.)
Dr Farquar Smith’s comments: That’s why
when you ask people if they had a ‘good Christmas’ they
say one word. “Quiet.” Why can’t they say, “Shite”
and mean what they say?
When someone says to you, "If I don't see you by then, have
a nice Christmas". Does that also mean if they DO see you by
then, you should have a lousy Christmas? (Contributed
by Mike Gray)
Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Come on. Xmas
is great. What other chance do you get to stick a tree up a fairy's
arse and shit like a lion for a week?
see
also: Dr Farquar - Smith on
transport