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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Christmas posers

What do parents in the Southern hemisphere tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there's no snow in most places and it's too warm for that red suit. (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Geordie women from the North East of England go to nightclubs in sub zero temperatures but that doesn’t stop them enjoying themselves when they can’t afford a warm coat. It works both ways. True, in some very hot countries Santa misses out on purpose, so that concerts like Live Aid can be organized instead.

On artificial Christmas Trees why do they always make the centre trunk green? Wouldn't it be more realistic if it was brown? (Contributed by Ryoga)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: I suppose you would think us all white supremacists if it was a Silver birch? Frankly, racist tree trunk issues can be avoided by having two trees. One brown, and one white. I do. All my friends can see I have nothing to hide with my pair of trunks.

Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else? (Contributed by Tinman)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Evidently. Last year the ungrateful bastard only ate one of my ginger nuts.

Should we mail our presents early so the post office can lose them in time for next Christmas? (Contributed by J. Carson)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Please don’t criticise the humble Postman when he has to deal with many times his usual workload. You don’t moan if your junkmail is lost in the mail do you? If you want him to deliver mail more quickly, set the next door neighbours dog on him.

Why does the Christmas season always come when the shops are at their busiest? (Contributed by Jim Poserina)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: It seems more busy than it is, because of more shop lifters, store detectives and mystery shoppers this time. Then think of all the decoys that make up the other numbers? Also, it’s a fact that people are living longer and that’s why old greedy people fill most queues at shops.

Is it true that winter's not really over until you can't vacuum up any more Christmas tree needles from your carpet? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Almost. Wait until New Year when all the needles that have fallen down the back of the telly inevitably catch fire and then your Christmas really is over.

How does Santa's huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys? (Contributed by Angela Trana)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: It’s not rocket science. You may have to get it swept first. If Santa still finds it a bit of a squeeze he may borrow your toilet before hand and make a little more room. Check for clues Xmas morning. It’s hard enough flying around the world with Easy Jet when it’s engaged most of the time, imagine touching cloth in a bumpy old sleigh.

Why does Santa get down the chimney when the fire is going? (Contributed by Angela Trana)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Perhaps he prefers his nuts roasted?

Did Hallmark invent the Christmas Card? (Contributed by

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: No. Hallmark reproductions invented the first series of 1960 to 1980 “Top of the Pops’ ‘pretend songs’ on albums that resembled the original artists, about as convincingly as a Dick Van Dyke’s cockney accent. The only reason I bought the whole set was because of the nubile semi-naked young bints on the record sleeves that left me with hard feelings and a laundry dilemma.

Why is it that your Christmas lights work just fine when you test them before you string them up but they quit the moment you step back to admire your work? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Yes, pesky Xmas lights. You end up fondling them all night like bloody prayers beads. Here's a few tips! Adorn your tree with solar powered lights. Stick your favourite luminous condoms on the lawn during the day. Knot them one end as normal and poke them onto your tree of an evening. Presto. Environmentally friendly tree decks! Think of the energy you will save not having to use them in the normal way. They double as Christmas stockings too. Just put something very tiny in them as I do.

What exactly are 'reindeer games' anyway? (Contributed by The Vent

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Well, why do you think Rudolph has a red nose? I think some of his games went too far and Shlitzen, Bitchen, Bosher and the others got fed up with Rude Rudolph, sticking his nose in, when he was bringing up the rear. Now he flies at the front these days.

Why don't department stores hire men to gift wrap? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Absolutely. In fact, even after Xmas, why not get gay men to gift wrap all your rubbish so that dustmen take it away.

There is a church in Ontario Canada that is the third church on its site because the first two burned down. With that in mind should they really be giving everyone candles during the Christmas Eve services? (Contributed by Laurel)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: This is a worthy Health and Safety issue. When no snow is about always use a foam extinguisher in future while worshipping to add realism. What did Moses do when faced with a ‘burning bush’? He probably used some soothing Greek yoghurt and put it on the gentiles.

Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr.Farquar-Smith’s comments: God… bringing him his omni presents.

How come when department stores put their Christmas decorations out in July, they have 'elegant foresight', but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbours just think I'm tacky? (Contributed by Alisa Meadows)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Jesus is the light of the world. You don’t need to be seen from space to celebrate Christmas. Over the top decorations is just attention seeking. Shops that have the brightest lights draw most of us like moths to a flame. Save energy. Use static electricity by rubbing your Grandparents together in their fusty man made fibres. If they ignite too readily it’s probably because they are wearing flares and a blazer. If they sport nylon underwear, wear asbestos gloves in case they ‘arc out’ on the stove. This phenomenon is friction caused by the Generation Gap.

If Good King Wenceslas ordered a pizza, would it be deep pan, crisp and even? (Contributed by Terry Galan)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Yes, it would have the same consistency, especially, when the Venison is already off and instead of snow, it looks like rain, dear.

Why is it that the ugliest Christmas decorations always go up first and come down last? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: We would all love to hang ugly old Glitter forever but then the kids will probably still have to spend Xmas with friends.

Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: In theory. Otherwise how does he exist?

If a wise woman had come to the Nativity, she would have brought nappies, wouldn't she? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: This is true. But she didn’t come, and so there you are. Our Lord shat everywhere. The Three wise men probably stomped in all the blessed infants poop anyway, because they were too busy looking up at a bloody star at the time. No wonder they carried myrrh and frankincense with them, barns are right smelly places anyway, without baby humans shitting everywhere as well.

Why is it that all the trouble always happens close to Christmas? (Contributed by Lady S.)

Dr Farquar Smith’s comments: That’s why when you ask people if they had a ‘good Christmas’ they say one word. “Quiet.” Why can’t they say, “Shite” and mean what they say?

When someone says to you, "If I don't see you by then, have a nice Christmas". Does that also mean if they DO see you by then, you should have a lousy Christmas? (Contributed by Mike Gray)

Dr Farquar-Smith’s comments: Come on. Xmas is great. What other chance do you get to stick a tree up a fairy's arse and shit like a lion for a week?


see also: Dr Farquar - Smith on transport