This week - Wives

I’m so lucky to be married. I really can’t get over my wife. I’ve tried a step ladder and various scaffold and even abseiling and I still can’t get over her. Should I try crampons? Perry Scope

Dr Farquar says: Don’t let this setback stop your ardour. Please try ardour.

My wife left me for a rugby player to try and tackle obesity. I’m trying my hardest to get around her. I think I made a wrong turn on the M6 and now there’s a tailback. Phil Talane

Dr F: Here we go again. Try her underpass. Remember it's what’s inside that counts. Graffiti, the odd busker, and a stink of piss.

My wife suffers from self harm. She keeps knocking herself out with 5lbs of frozen minced beef. When is she going to come to her senses? Buzz Orf

Dr F: Don’t worry. She will come around. If she uses coarse mince the next time she might get to tell you an obscene joke before she hits the floor.

I have a syndrome called “Stitchthatyabass”. It’s a mixed complex disorder between aggression and having a hyper sex drive. What happens is I turn on my wife in more ways than one. When I’m dying for a shag I always makes sure she gets a good slap as well for my trouble.

Dr F: How thoughtful! My wife is allergic to me. She comes out in high heels and fishnet stockings. Unfortunately I caught her with a kind neighbour whom I had recently circumcised using an industrial bandsaw. Needless to say there were no further drawbacks.

I’m a ladyboy - Lance Corporal Flight Sergeant in the Salvation Army. I went to a pub selling the War Cry. To my horror I had picked a stack of Playgirl mags in error and distributed them instead. Ever since, I have had a queue of drunks at my door at closing time wanting to bang my tambourine. Singh Ahimm

Dr F: I love a girl in uniform too. I know you. You blew my trumpet once and as far as your obsessive compulsive disorder to extricate a donation from me there is still very little change.

I’m a very blessed husband. After sixty years I’m getting married for the first time this year. We have been together nearly 48 hours and I still find my wife attractive. The wedding dress fitted beautifully. Except the veil scratched my retina and left me with conjunctivitis. Major Look

Dr F: Make an appointment when you can see your way clear.

My husband and I are psychics. I would never have married him had I known. All he does is wank in his favourite hiding place. It’s my fault, my crystal ball had condensation as it was a damp forecast. Maybe I might have seen him coming? Yvette Chually

Dr F: Getting a crystal ball is something I need to look into. Like you, I like the ones that predict the weather. All you have to do is turn them upside down and shake. As regards your own health, I performed a lower body inspection on you. You are a true psychic as you can obviously read my mind. Let me cross your palm with silver this time instead of getting it in your hair.

I was going to report my credit card stolen but I’m afraid to tell my wife. I wouldn’t say she keeps all the money but I have only just found out we have gone decimal. Hadyn Unnastairs

Dr F: Lucky you. Think how much the thief will save your monthly bill!

My wife is getting really good at car mechanics. She diagnosed that the reason my Morgan plus won’t start is because of water in the carburetor. Beat that! Peter Oot

Dr F: Yes. It was on the local news. They pulled it out of the canal this morning.

Is it true that in some parts of Africa a man does not even know his wife until he marries her? If so I can save a bundle of cash and my fiancée and I can lead separate lives first before our wedding day. Ash Better

Dr F: How old fashioned. Yes, do that and look forward to further ostracisation and misery in the years to come. My wife is always surprising me after eighteen years and three days of bliss. Yes, those three days were truly wonderful. She was taken to hospital with appendicitis.

Everyday she does something totally ‘off the wall’ like take the pictures down to re-decorate or really surprise me and nail my foreskin to a cheeseboard while accidentally preparing buffet.

May I write on behalf of our school convents charity C.L.O.T. or Children Lost Or Truancy. Our calling is to help educate children who never turn up anyway. My convent I rule with an iron fisting is called “His Luscious Lord’s Holy Order of Fries and Mushy Peas followed by a Fag in a Shop Doorway”. The complaint is from one of our very own nuns. Sister Edna Oven. At a local fundraiser you propositioned her in a most unchristian way when she queued for cucumber sandwiches. She claims you offered to turn her upside down and fill her full of beer. How disgusting! Why would you subject a servant of God to such horrors when similar is probably available on Saga coach trips? Mother Firkin

Dr F: Don’t take on so. She had some crumbs on her cassock and I only brushed them off so I could have a quick feel. You can’t leave everything in God’s hands you know. Anyway, who else apart from me do you know can drink 16 pints in one go?

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