Why is your practice more like a supermarket each time? I went into Morrisons for some Jumbo oats and came out with a packet of three. The same happened in your operating theatre. Just like that I went in to have my womb removed and now my arse is telling the funniest gags, why? Madge Widdabadgeonnavadge
Dr F: Due to an admin error I misread your notes. I thought you were booked in for a Hysterical Rectum.
After my 25th lobotomy can I congratulate you for leaving me with a host of other vegetables? As soon as they are peeled I will make a nice hotpot. But I still think you’re the feckin’ lunatic. Ed Dunnin
Dr F: Sterling work. All those front lobe removals and you still want to give me piece of your mind.
I’m gay and met my new boyfriend at the AA. We attempted sex after three sessions during which he prefers to use Ralgex for lubrication inspired by watching comedy classic ‘Hot Fuzz’. To add insult to injury he holds séances using my back as an Ouija board while balancing a teabag on each nipple. Have you got my blood test results back, yet? Bernie Bott
Dr F: Yes. You have abnormal lover function.
As a chronically obese recently converted Jew I wanted you to perform a small operation on my Shvantz Shtik to conform with the rabbi's wishes. Why have you just walked into theatre with some electric hedge clippers? Aaron Manobb (Son of Izzit Kosher)
Dr F: Damn these notes. Its says here you ready to be ‘circus sized’.
You accuse me of being unfaithful by sleeping with my husband and not you. I can’t keep sneaking you through the “Flatline Carehome for the Oxygen Friendly” French windows anymore. One day he is bound to wake up and find me warming your supper and your toes up his nose. Anyway my husband of 63 years and I don’t have sex anymore because of my rheumatic fever. Goldie Oldie
Dr F: I beg to differ. It says clearly on the community nurses file, “She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night.”
You toad, Sir. How dare you make me walk through your surgery naked? Ian Nannip
Dr F: Don’t blame me. Its says here “please allow Mr Nannip home without any dressing.”
I am still bipolar ever since I first saw you in 1983. Rhyll Misery
Dr F: I’m glad something works around here.
My overworked sterile husband blames his lack of passion on his role as a Community Police Support Officer. He comes home so tired of a night and then his bleep goes off before we have even started sex. It seems he has no powers of a rest. We have tried IVF but nothing seems to be happening. Your gynecologist can’t seem to put his finger on it either. Last time, he slipped off and lost his wristwatch. Andrea Handrier
Dr F: Poor you. Don’t worry. Between the gynecologist and me we will get you pregnant. I just hope we don’t have to involve a consultant this time. They just stand around watching others do all the work.
I have a burning sensation when I urinate and my penis is discharging. Can I borrow your moped to get home? Mike Oksaw
Dr F: Best not. It’s an NSU and who wants commuter transport with matching initials to what you have? Lie face-down in your chest freezer for two days to ease the inflammation. Just make sure, if your wife comes in to fetch a frozen chicken, you are not still in it.