As a man of medicine I would have hoped you could have spotted my hernia sooner. For the past year I have had to walk around in a wardrobe because of the size of my meat and two veg. My wife wanted to go to Furniture Direct to find a nice pouffe and I had to stand there hoping a passing customer would not open the front doors to inspect my walnut finish only to find a birthday suit hanging in a very strange fashion that is now swollen out of all recognition save for a starched collar and pair of monogrammed cufflinks that should be stuffed in the drawer marked ‘sundries’. Lester Bemistaken
Dr F. I don’t do fixtures and fittings. If you want to get it sorted try DFS. They might give you something hanging there also, but in more keeping with your curtains.
I wish to say that since you prescribed aviation fuel twice nightly, my sex life is in for the long haul. I now have high octane sperm. I’m so virile I am a one night stand every night of the week. I could sire thousands of unwanted children in one freshly whipped specimen. Beat that! And I do. R.Sole
Dr F. You said that on the sperm of the moment. Of course an enriched sex life and readiness to perform is just a small part of a relationship, and lets face it, your part doesn’t come any smaller. You buffoon! I prescribed rocket fuel to be taken rectally so you could overtake traffic on your rollerblades. Ingestion will cause sterility and flaccidity. No hard feelings.
Testicles are like mates in a bag. I call my boyfriends “Mick and Steve”. Patricia Letitia Awfuldoon
Dr F. Alan and Jeff send their love and want to thank you for giving them a hand at the weekend.
I’m a used condom. I had right skin-full last night. Phil Dupp
Dr F. Aha! The old ones are the best but just a bit harder to untie.
I’m a German hairdresser and I find seminal fluid has more ‘hold’ than setting lotion. Heir Loss
Dr F. Call me picky and old fashioned but I prefer good old Brlycreem. Granted, it looks the same, feels the same and even tastes the same. But at least it isn’t the same. If this popular brand was thought to be real sperm, then we would have men everywhere wanking into pots because they are too tight to buy a vintage hair dressing brand known to millions of men now dead. Another thing. “Brylcreem for Men” is the slogan. It’s not for women so don’t give her the other barrel across the fringe.
I’m 93yrs old. My name is ‘Onestone’. I’m an authentic North American Native Indian. I have only one testicle hence my name. I have made love to only two squaws in my life. They have both since died. Onestone Betterunun
Dr F. Don’t blame yourself. So what? Like the old saying goes, you killed two birds?
My balls chat to each other but not to my penis. Apparently he’s just a little prick. Mike Ock
Dr F. I have referred you to a psychiatrist because I’m just too busy to impersonate one today. I’m afraid conversations between your legs and your own genitals is just talking bollocks.
My gonads are not hanging level. Is there an operation I can have where my crown jewels are symmetrical again? The housebrick you suspended from the shorter one wears holes in my strides and once it got caught in some railings when I ran for a tram eating a bagel. Ivor Numbnut
Dr F. No. You were born with one bollock dropped. Childbirth is an easy mistake. I’m afraid your luggage is on the piss like the rest of you.
I heard that, like mine, unlevel balls were quite normal. If they were even they would be like those ‘clackers’ kid craze in the seventies and knock each other out when you run. My right one is way past my knee making tennis a nightmare. Stephen Even
Dr F. Your are one service nearer a eunuch with each game, but at least the ball's still in your court. Its sod’s law. Like all soon to be castrated men you will be inevitably surrounded by women throwing themselves at your lack of appendage. Women love men who don’t pose a threat with their usually rampant tackle. Unfortunately, you can neither shag or talk to any tottie, but on the bright side, with a bit of luck, you might see a pink nipple or a peach pocket and not have to try and conceal a hard on while riding on a bumpy bus.
I am a transgendered hermaphrodite bisexual colonically challenged ‘flasher’ and have only one testicle. I try to harass people to expose myself but instead end up walking around in circles. Please help. Eileen Oneside
Dr F. Here’s a tip. Use your empty sack to hide your drugs in. You must be able to get a few grammes in that makeshift holdall. If police stop and search and find your bag of stash that means they have to go back to the station and say to their superior officer they rifled a man’s scrotum in the course of their duty. Now do they really want that on their work record, Sergeant?