This week: Tarot
I had a reading that delivered exactly what I wanted. You said I would meet a tall dark stranger promising me a little head. Thanks for the pint of Guinness. Pierce Daggin
DR F: That’s the great thing about getting a pint - somebody has done the pulling for you. My reading said I would meet a Pink Lady. My next patient was a female who had accidentally got her knickers caught in the bumper of my car. I dragged her for miles before I could find the exit to the gravel pit. On the bright side her eczema has all but disappeared.
You handed me “Death” and told me not to make any plans for tomorrow. I'm not afraid to cash in my chips. Just give me a little something to hold onto. Graham Reaper
DR F: It’s not so little. You are not long for this world. I rolled your cot bed onto the oxygen pipe.
You gave me the card denoting Luck, that is,“The Wheel of Fortune.” Frankly, I'm in a bit of a spin. I thought it meant effortless success. You gave me a lecture on heroin I couldn’t understand a word of. This is card #10 and supposed to mean “Lord of all Forces” so why the fifteen kilos of Exlax? Riley Loose
DR F: Apologies, this is a typo alert. Your notes originally read “Lord of All Faeces.” After a swift examination I would advise you not to tie your shoelaces in built up areas. The last guy with your complaint took out a whole row of council houses, a Spar and two bus shelters. A local bicycle rally was left embedded on the bypass and left to look like a longstanding giant bowl of Coco Pops from the air.
The cards cannot lie I have just read your own, Doctor, and “The Devil” appeared and so, as I feared, you are indeed, the Son of Satan. You winged demon. Prince of Darkness. Beelzebub. Be gone, from whenst you came, Lucifer. Eternal liar and serpent of Tartarus and Gehenna. Angel of the Everlasting Death.. I banish you, Oh Tempter, The Evil One. Once and for all, I cast back to your stinking lair The Great Abyss, Den of Iniquity for tormented souls. By the power invested in me as Yahweh’s Son of Truth and with Our Lord’s Holy Spirit, in the name of Michael, Archangel to Jehovah’s Righteousness and with the Light of Our Beloved Trinity and Light I drive you back to Hades. You are not wanted here, oh vile beast of earth's core.. Rev. MaHonda
DR F: We must get another couple of batteries for your stereo hearing aids. I repeat. “Try a little E-X-E-R-C-I-S-E.”
There is no easy way to say this. You have got “The Hanged Man”. Why not borrow my loft? Perry Normal
DR F: That’s stretching things too far. I think I have stuck my neck out enough for you. But thanks for the kind offer. I'll borrow your loft in January, mind you, I am not looking forward to a cold snap.
The card you dealt me meant “The World”. Todd Yasoo
DR F: Don't be soft. It’s only a fuckin' stupid card game for sad people.
I gave you “The Moon”. Honour Maword
DR F: Yes, and I tried to give you some space and then you launched into giving me the rocket around your pad causing an atmosphere. All I tried to do was give you a little more thrust and jettison my load at some stage. What planet are you on?
Give me “Strength.” Lil Mona
DR F: Something else is on the cards here. You should try an “Assertive Thinking” class, that is, if you don't mind? I mean, who cares what I think anyway? But only if you want to, I'm crap at these sort of decisions. I don't want be pushy. What do I know? Ignore me.
It's bad karma to try and predict the future using these dangerous pagan cards. I was given “The Suit of Wands” and on the way home, crashed my car into a Fancy Dress shop. I was thrown from the car and flew headlong into a tidyrail of Fairy Godmother accessories and, guess what I ended up wearing? Ava Look
DR F: I love dressing up games. Unfortunately, I’m surrounded by girls in nurse’s uniform which spoils it for me. I just wish they would come to work as a British Gas engineer or a National trust volunteer now and again.
I got the “Death” card and my poor husband died a horribly violent death. Madge Yalook
DR F: Yes, but did you get away with it?
What's the difference between a Tarot reader and a pizza? JessWunderin
DR F: A pizza can feed a family of four.
They say you are psychic, prove it! Hugh Knows
DR F: You're fine. How am I?
You! Psychic! My arse! Skip Tikk
DR F: That may be so, but I can forsee you being ignored in my surgery waiting room for the next three hours.
I'm psychic and I ended up leaving my wife before I met her, making the consummation an impossibility. What is the answer? I knew I was going to ask that! Knorr All
DR F: In future try to arrange some private time with your wife through Premier Inns. Book on the phone and expect to speak to a receptionist who has no room to talk. Like Lennie Henry and Dawn French you won’t be disappointed. It will be a good shag for under £37 which is cheaper than a divorce and the manager will see you both coming.
I bought your book “Advanced Tarot Reading” The pages are all blank. Libbie Arian
DR F: Good. In that case you won't like my next book “Tips for Taroists that will blow you away”
You predicted I would meet my Prince and I would find out everything about him! What you failed to mention was that it would happen in a biology class and I would have to dissect him. Miss Happ
Dr F: Sorry, he changed into a frog at the last minute. Don't worry, he was given a Christian burial. To make it up to you I will take you out for a pub meal. Fancy Toad in the Hole?
I'm a ghost and frankly, I just don't believe you people. Fanny TummDR F: I can see right through girlie manifestations like you.. but nice entities.