This week: Sweets

I like Barratts Sherbert Dabs. The handy liquorice tube and white sherbet looks great when I’m snorting lines in nightclubs. Ben Sniffin

Dr F: I bought some Charlie off you and it was just a bottle of chav cologne.

I love those ricepaper flying saucers. I’ve made it look like the Martians have landed by taking a human hair and superglue and suspending one of the sweetie spaceships in front of a screensaver. I wanted to add a touch of realism and pretend it crash lands in a barren wilderness of blistered and foreboding landscape. Presto! I found a screensaver of Corby. Oh look little green men have fallen out of the edible UFO and are now scattered all over the High St. Ross Well

Dr F: No. I sneezed over your monitor.

I love cough candy twist. If you haven’t got a cough just glue a pushpin on the side. Voila! A makeshift amber nose piercing. Perry Gorrik

Dr F: I prefer sucking a fisherman's friend but I still get a sore throat. I sucked too hard on a Zube once and there was a bit of a swell and we both went a bit overboard.

I’m from Australia and I have just swallowed a Werther’s original. 9 months later my baby wants to cover himself in calamine lotion and listen to Rolf Harris records. Doris Alwaysopen

Dr F: No, it was a worthy aboriginal.

I’m into those lemon bon bons. Now I can speak French fluently but all my teeth have rotted away. Cynth Tuesday

Dr F: Indeed. Proving that an entrepreneur is a mange tout.

I fucked Bertie Basset and now I have allsorts. Dee VeeDee

Dr F: Next time you want to have sex with a sweet, keep it in a bag.

I love those Brazil nuts in chocolate. I wrap them in clingfilm and they taste as good going in as they do coming out. Spence Mamunny

Dr F: They should have come out a treat.

I love Terry’s chocolate orange. I like to have it while ignoring the radio to avoid the pips. Tom Titt

Dr F: I auditioned for the Milk Tray Advert but it was easier just getting her key cut.

If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join our club. Do you know much about Moonies? Omar Gawd

Dr F: I’ll stick my arse out for a curly wurly.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give yourself a treat. A finger of fudge is just enough and very good to eat.  Its full of peppery goodness and very small and neat but thats just ma nob. Stan Tareason

Dr F: Finger painting is fun, but if you would rather not forage anally then a burnt stick is just as good for drawing pretend moustaches instead.

What's got a hazel nut in every bite? Squirrelshit! S.Tufty

Dr F: Can we choose another topic?

Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate tastes like chocolate never tasted before, but not if you have dry leprosy. Crispin Dry

Dr F:  Well, don’t stand in this wind, as you are drifting against the front door and don’t rub your hands together when the muesli is being served.

I loved Spangles. The green ones. Especially on pizza! Dinah Lone

Dr F: You strange person. Don’t you like Pontefract cakes?

I like Pop tarts. Lil Raver

Dr F: Paula Yates is dead.

"ITS THE MILKYBAR KID!",
"ITS THE MILKYBAR KID!",
"ITS THE MILKYBAR KID!",
The milkybar kid is strong and tough,
Only the best is good enough,
Creamy milk a whiter bar,
The good taste thats in milkybar,
"THE MILKYBARS ARE ON ME !",
Milkybar so creamy white,
Nestle milkybar.....and thats just ma nob! Stan Tareason

Dr F: Stan. You’ve had your go, now piss off.

A Mars a day helps you work rest and wank. Juan Offmawrist

Dr F: I think we are all done here.

Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
When the room smells fresh so do you
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back
Do the shake and vac and put the freshness back. Praise Allah! Sheik Anvakk

Dr F: (Aww for fucks sake!)

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