I found a small boy with a coconut on his head, cowering in the vegetable section. What shall I do? Ann Shuss
Dr F: Don’t worry he’s just a little shy.
I wanted some ‘me-time’ so went into the toilets at Tesco and got 2 blowjobs for the price of one. Hurrah! Dick Dragon
Dr F: Yes, and Listerine and Hakles are offering double points.
The security guard at Wilcos is wearing latex gloves. I think he is a little too thorough with shoplifters, don’t you. Dee Sgustin
Dr F: You should know. It took four of them to pull a 72” plasma TV and a plastic coal scuttle from your arse.
Fack me! Why don’t fackin’ Tesco go to fackin’ Mogadishu and open a fackin’ ‘express’?... They fackin’ do every facking where else. Mary Sweary
Dr F: Are you fackin’ mad? The exchange rate is fackin’ EUR, 2.7577 SDG per AUD, 4.2456 SDG per GBP, 0.0523 SDG.
I went to you after becoming disorientated in Asda. You prescribed a phone call to a loved one and find out what brand of tofu to choose while in the dried food aisle. Thank you. Now I can make consumer decisions with renewed confidence. Dippy Mare
Dr F: ‘Every Little Helps’ proving the manager has a small nob.
I hear that cigarettes are being disguised with horrible green packaging. Now I have dropped my fags in my lamb’s lettuce and can’t find them. Re: Trace Masteps
Dr F: Filthy girl! I’ve heard about your foraging in your lettuce before. You should try herbal cigarettes and then you can stub them out in curry.
Why can’t I buy Blue stripe condoms to go with my Red stripe lager? Johnny Jism
Dr F: Foul boy! Don’t mix them up, you could end up with a barbers pole with brewers droop and feeling cheap after a skinful.
Anglia Water have imposed a hoe’s pipe ban. No slappers in sight with a crackpipe anywhere now. Bah! Can I share a bong with your Missus? Charlie Skunk
Dr F: Of course. I wanted to be a campanologist like her but all those bell-ringers look like they are trying to conceal their raving homosexuality when their job title tells me something entirely different. I knew a girl who liked to ring my bell and enjoyed the pealing. She had dry leprosy.
They sell clothes in the new Sainburys in our town. How can I spend less, but still get fed and keep warm if I arrive at the store naked? Titas Fukk
Dr F: Food Giants are not just peculiar to Rumour, Adele and Matt Lucas. They are called big shops now. Why not save buying clothes by bringing your food shopping home to wear?
Lady Gaga is doing this and dressing up in food fit for award ceremonies and her freezer. Have a ‘butchers hook’ at her meaty midriff. She was seen on the red carpet wearing meat! Why? So the dripping vascular fluid would not stain it.
Here are some food apparel tips to wear instead of needing to buy clothes, meaning your wardrobe can double as a larder. Next time you shop make some fashion decisions fit for any table.
Coarse Mince Scarf
Coffee T –Shirts
Corned beef Vest
Eggplant shoes (scooped out of course)
I’m 16 and love shagging. Is it true in parts of Romford you can exchange your Tesco school vouchers for straight sex when at the check out? Tom Katt
Dr F: Only if the girl at the till is not busy and you are accompanied by a qualified physician.