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This week - Stress I’m an alcoholic and work causes me so much stress. I make condoms for a living and, frankly, I had a skinful last night. Please help. (Duncan Duty) Dr Farquar says: That’s stretching things too far. Here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts: Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world". The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water... I have been intimidated by you at times but at least you don’t try and blow up airports like your other colleagues who work for the NHS. (Singed Majeep) Dr F: That recent news story is a load of old cock. Doctors are not terrorists. We all keep in close contact as professionals. You can reach us on www.friendsreignited.com Let me sooth your fevered brow. I am a previous girlfriend who still fancies you. Our brief romance was wild and so hot! How would you like to fan the embers again and enjoy some afternoon delight in my water bed? (Ida Downe) Dr F: Well, ‘still beating heart and push me over like a pile of pennies’. Ok then! That is if you don’t mind a man some years later who has lost nearly all his hair and added a few more inches to his waistline? Don’t be silly! You are an astonishingly attractive man with your cute little sweep of a ‘Bobby Charlton’ and that cuddly little paunch. I want to explore that sexy little tubbiness with my tongue and wrap myself around you like a well worn tyre. (I.D) Dr F: Awww, lummedays you sure now how to please a guy. I know I am in great shape for a man half my age but what about the strange appearance of stretch marks on my hips and a little bit of a double chin that wasn’t there yesterday? Doesn’t that put you off just a little bit? You’re kidding! You are adorable just the way you are. Hey, if it makes you feel better honey, I have put on a pound or two myself too! (I.D.) Dr F: Oh I see. You better feck off then! I am a very handsome porter at your hospital. Is it true you can get pregnant by anal intercourse? (Shaun Pubes) Dr F: Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from? As your NVQ assessor I am somewhat bewildered at the alternative but impressive array of working knowledge answers to questions about the hospital in which you work. Let’s look at your last core unit paper: Artery.............................. The study of paintings. Bacteria............................ Back door to cafeteria. Barium.............................. What doctors do when patients die. Benign...............................What you be, after you be eight. Caesarean Section.............. A neighbourhood in Rome. Cauterize.......................... Made eye contact with her. Colic................................ A sheep dog. Coma............................... A punctuation mark. Enema.............................. Not a friend. Fester.............................. Quicker than someone else. Fibula...............................A small lie. Impotent...........................Distinguished, well known. Staffing.............................Up the arse of the chicken. Morbid..............................A higher offer. Nitrates............................ Cheaper than day rates. Node................................ I knew it. Outpatient.........................A person who has fainted. Post Operative..................Bloke in the GPO sorting office. Recovery Room................Place to do upholstery. Rectum.............................Bloody near ruined ‘em.. Secretion.......................... Hiding something. Seizure............................. Roman emperor. Tablet.............................. A baby table. Illness..............................A Scottish city. Tumour.............................One plus one more. Radiographer……………..Bloke on a submarine Cardiac……………………American car. Appendix…………………At the end of an encyclopaedia Geriatric…………………..Three one to Gerry Ligature……………………Look at yersell. Neurosis………………… What you get from Interflora Abcess……………… Makes the heart grow fonder. Mania…………………….. “…… a tear has to fall…deee….dum” Impetigo…………………..An Italian car. Jaundice………………… No thanks. I already got one. Lumbar…………………… Fecked. Malaise…………………… What goes with a tin of Tuna. Vaginismus………………...The first book in the bible Vertigo………………………No. I just live around the corner. Sciatica……………………..A heavy metal rock band. Toxic shock………………...When somebody puts water in your Scotch. Free radicals………………..Swapping hostages Ethics……………………….Annie Lennox band. Evolution…………………..Glue for bike tube patches Doner………………………A kebab Endometritis ………………Name of a kebab salesman. Encephalytis ………………The name of the island he was born on. Dilate……………………….Unreliable Welshman Dialysis……………………..His full name Diagnosis………………… His dads name. Diabetes…………………… His brothers name. Cystic Fybrosis…………….His convent's Mother Superior. Bypass……………………...Where me car broke down yesterday. Colectomy………………….What the RAC did eventually. Bronchography……………....Photographing a rodeo. Ovary…………… “….Hills and Far away.”
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: |
