I have been smuggling migrants into the UK for years. They work harder and are prepared to do all the work us lazy Brits won’t do. In fact, I don’t know how we ever packed our own salad and vegetables or served tables in restaurants for centuries before we became a safe haven for countries who can’t manage their own affairs. Iona Passport
Dr F: Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.
Simply dropping into Sainsbury's supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works:
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on August 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on September 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look better!
I’ve been smuggling budgies into the UK. The problem is they think my scrotum is a bag of millet. Who wants exotic birds nibbling on your nuts anyway? Claude Speedos
Dr F: That’s the trouble. I tried to smuggle an exotic bird out of a lapdancing club once. Last time I swap a taxi for an ostrich.
Did you know, the expression ‘raking it in’ is a historic smuggling phrase? The derogatory name of a ‘rake’ usually reserved for an unscrupulous individual is derived from old smugglers terminology? The ‘rake’ was a paid beggar that stood on the beach waiting for smugglers booty from plundered ships, tossed overboard in the bay on the next tide. As the smugglers hoiked the trunks of spoils over the side of the anchored vessel, the ‘rakes’ or vagrants would lie in wait, under cover of darkness, with 17 foot actual ‘rakes’ (generally used for hay harvesting) to hook the spoils from the wash, and hence where the term ‘raking it in’ when you make a ‘financial killing, came from. Bin Ongoogle
Dr F: Wow! I bet Mum’s proud of you. It looks like you got passed customs with the skunk I ordered. Pop your trousers back on and next time empty your bowels first before you ask to be courier for me again.
I’m a real smuggler. I juggle smug people. If you know a group of pretentious glib little twats, I will ‘smuggle’ 'em. They need to able to have no contact with what’s happening on the ground at any time. Everything must be left in the air, while they talk utter drivel. They must never hit the ground running, or have control over what’s happening at any time, while performing a series of pointless manoeuvres. Wave their arms around a lot, and look like they shit their pants.
Dr F: Don’t waste my time. We have the House of Commons for that.