Back Home

The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Smoking

Why do so many people who give up smoking cigarettes, keep on smoking other people's cigarettes? (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr F. This is a gesture to help others give up too. But, it is a fire hazard to share peoples cigarette smoke in sleeping bags for instance. If you were camping and there was a fire the heat would be in tents.

Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? (Contributed by Erik Freeman)
Dr F. Not necessarily. Look at my Cremation section.

Would you consider smoking to be one of the leading causes of statistics? (Contributed by Fletcher Knebel)
Dr F. 37% of me agrees with you.

If you're horrified by what you read about the effects of smoking should you give up reading? (Contributed by Henry Strauss)
Dr F. Then people would have no excuse to buy a newspaper so they could get some fags.

Can people give up hypnotism by smoking? (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr F. Sheer will, is not enough, unless, you are already in a catatonic state, to fool your hypnotherapist. Here's how? Wear mirrored pilot glasses to 'turn the tables' on your therapist, while he/she is in a trance, steal valuables from the premises to pay for the hefty bill.

Why does 'stop smoking gum' taste worse than the cigarette itself? Wouldn't someone wanting to quit be more inclined to do so if the gum tasted better? (Contributed by Terri Irving)
Dr F. Yes. Try this tip. Eat an entire pack of dry crackers without water in between cigarettes. It will not help you give up, but you will cut down on ‘carbos’ considerably.

Why is it that ‘smokers’ are so persecuted yet killers and dope pushers are allowed to roam the streets freely? (Contributed by Jeannie)
Dr F. If ten cigarettes cost the same as a kilo of cocaine then maybe I would see your point. Tobacco is still a drug. Get ‘stoned’ on CRACK first, and swap your fags for herbal ones. It won't stop your addiction, but it will get you a seat on the tube.

Why do people who smoke while driving a car alone find it necessary to open the car window a little? Does the smoke bother them? (Contributed by agit8er)
Dr F. Maybe they had garlic last night.

How come when non-smokers sit in the smoking section they are never asked to leave? (Contributed by Bill F.)
Dr F. Carry a cat in your arms at all times, if you want to smoke in smoke-free zones. When a person in uniform asks you, “Do you mind putting that out?” Calmly put the cat outside the building, and finish your cigarette.

What do you do if you want to quit smoking but the chemist refuses to sell you the patch because you're under 21? (Contributed by Keith Sullivan)
Dr F. Here's a tip to get served fags and drink when underage. Steal your parent passport photos. They will look half their age! Modernise their look by taking a Gel pen and drawing a Nike air-hat on their heads. Voila! You are the spitting image of your old man, or woman!! Paste the ‘pix’ onto the corner of your library card. Take a trip back to the shop, wearing your father's cloth cap, or Mother's head-scarve, with a brace of dead pheasants over your shoulder, and confront the shopkeeper with a purchase.

Do tobacco companies have no-smoking areas? (Contributed by The Vent on
Dr F. Yes, on the production line, of course. To discourage, people wanting too much overtime.

I like to smoke after having sex. (Fooge)
Dr F. Just don't use me as the ashtray next time.

I love smoking during sex. (Anon)
Dr F. Do you want a copy of the ‘Racing Post’ too?

I smoke a lot, before, during, and after sex. (Cynthia Siemens from Staines)
Dr F. I thought I could smell rubber burning.

Why is it that most people feel funny asking a stranger for change, but if you need a cigarette, you can ask anyone that smokes and probably get one? (Contributed by D.R.)
Dr F. It’s a traditional thing to do after sex.

Did you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown? (Contributed by Rcason)
Dr F. A quarter would end up 'clean.'

Where can you buy Nicorette patches to cure you from addiction to second hand smoke? Or would used ones do the trick? (Contributed by The Vent on
Dr F. Second hand smoke usually indicates one of your oven gloves are on fire.

All soldiers in the Great War smoked in the trenches during the battle of the Somme and it wasn't nicotine that did them any harm, was it? (Fooge)
Dr F. The 'third' light was seen as unlucky during the horrors of trench warfare, because, it gave enemy snipers enough time to get the flickering flame inside their sites, and fire at Will. Soon Will got fed up with the whole smoking thing, and quit the habit, saying, 'lighting up a man's cigarette in front of enemy lines, seems a bit gay,… me.'


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis