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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

Dr Farquar would like to apologise for any reference to Scottish people that may offend. He is half Scottish himself (the bottom half) and descends from the Notorious ‘Claustrophobic Clan’ whose motto is “I canna wear sleeves they are like tunnels that go on forever.” They were his obsessive ancestors dating back from as early as the “Och, theres nae thruppenny bits nae more” Decimalisation Era where money became so small they had to sew up all their pockets.

These Scottish Hero Doctors were the only health professionals of their time that refused to write their notes on anything smaller than A1 sized paper or a fat lassie's arse. Everyday they wore pinstripe tartan at the surgery until one day a patient pointed out it looked like prison bars and from 1975 the kilt became fitted with partly drawn curtains instead.

These space loving Lairds had to be careful about peeking through the curtains while tossing the caber but they soon learned to pull it off somehow. Sporrans became very large and ended up carpeting several provinces. They never read the small print on medication and found that the waiting room furniture stopped them breathing.

Once a year they met up with their cousins from the uncarpeted Lowlands called the ‘Hydrophobia Clan’. They didn’t mind writing on large sheets of paper either but would shit themselves if it had a watermark. When this happens the Claustrophobic Clan would piss themselves laughing which frankly seemed to make matters worse.

By 1980 they had decided to swap phobias for the sake of their own heritage. They joined forces and became the “How the feck do you work this photocopier? “ Clan and continued to this very day as carbon copies of themselves.

This week - Sheep

How does God separate the sheep from the goats? By Fooge

Dr Farquar comments: When a large bucket of water is not at hand he just says “Ewe , ewe and ewe, cm’ here.”

When questioned over the Iraq crisis Tony Blair said “The Lord is my Shepherd.”. so, where’s his little crook? By Fooge

Dr F: Gordon Brown is always trying for another baby as well as shagging the rest of the country.

Ever since I was present at a ‘lambing’ I have not eaten one. They are too sweet. By Fooge

Dr F: You probably put too much mint sauce on.

Abattoir workers that slaughter lambs must be heartless. Chopping up baby sheep I mean. Letting them spill there little insides all over the place. I hope they choke on their Sunday roast at home. By Fooge

Dr F: Yes I know its offal.

What do sheep count when they can’t get to sleep? By Fooge

Dr F: Probably cars. I broke down on the Welsh border and a farmer offered to help. He said “You’ve blown a seal.” I said “Well at least I don’t shag sheep like you.”

Whats so special about sheep? Why can’t goats be at the butt end of jokes for a change? By Fooge

Dr F: Talk sense. You are starting to get my goat. How many sheep do you know that will give your favourite hunting shirt to the British Heart Foundation or complain about the spittoon in your pickup? A sheep won’t nag you when you put live fish-bait in the fridge and at least they have the decency to grow their own fur coats. Once, mine left wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom but not anymore. The tricky bit is teaching them to open beer bottles with their teeth.

How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater? By Fooge

Dr F: Teach them how to open beer bottles with their teeth first. (See above)

If a sheep with no legs looks like a cloud is Mick Jagger jealous of his own by asking others to ‘Hey, hey, you, you, get off off my cloud.” By Fooge

Dr F: He also sung “I can’t get no satisfaction” so you could be right. He always rolls his tongue around his huge mouth in between lyrics presumably to get rid of wool fibres stuck between his teeth and he claps his hands a lot too which is the best way to get a sheep into the back of his limousine. Mick liked small sheep because he has a mini-baa-aah in there.

Isn’t ‘sheep-dipping’ very uncomfortable for the sheep? By Fooge.

Dr F: You must be doing it wrong.


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2