week: Sexy Secrets
My husband and I are visually impaired and the only time we ever enjoy a cigarette is after sex. We are up to two packs a day. Are we addicted? Ava Look
Dr F. Let me get this straight. You are both blind as bats and smoke in bed? How dangerous is that? Who needs a lighter with the amount of friction you are producing?
I get my sex from stealing your wife’s smalls from the washing line. She must be a fat cow because I can get three generations of my family stood up in a pair of her ribbed frillies. Beat that! Hamish Tatallyman
Dr F. Smalls? She rents them out to a hang gliding club. When she puts them on and walks to the fridge she looks like two bulls locking horns in a marquee. Anyway, I’m glad you took them off the line, I thought it was an eclipse.
How rude! Your wife doesn’t deserve you! Anyway, I know where you live. Be nice to morbidly obese folk like us or I will come over to your house and in front of your poor long suffering wife sit on your glib and silly smug little face, and then where will you be? Daisy Goodboy
Dr F. A&E and with a hemorrhaging skull fracture, no doubt. Try sitting on the face of the earth where there is a bit more room.
This is about sexy secrets not fat people. Or, in my case an overweight person having sex with a can of prunes. It’s true! Natural laxatives can help you lose weight and it feels just like the real thing. Del Monte
Dr F. Beware of the pips or it might be one in the eye for you.
I have mental health problems and have been recently integrated into the community. A phrase that makes me feel like an overhauled computer. I now enjoy my anti-psychotic drugs in the comfort of my own sheltered housing, and Sky TV, where I can get hard watching the adult channel. Good porn is all the sex I need. While I have my right hand, I don’t need to pester my fiancée, who never washes. If not, a good wankmag and a steady supply of tissues will do the trick and away I go. Wheeeeee! Hank Kerchief
Dr F. Yes. I thought you had a few pages stuck together. This is what I call ‘Scare in the Community’. Watching ‘Bangbabes’ and ‘Babestation Live’ is fine for anybody on benefit who cannot afford a proper prostitute or another epileptic fit. May I remind you that being aware of vulnerable adults playing with their twiddly bits over the phone is something Social services knows all about. If you are fed up with being unable to fend for yourself because of your own vulnerability and living in neglect and abject poverty or worried about being put at any further risk …..for fecks sake! ….. Don’t bother ringing them at all.
I’m a Geordie from the Middle East. Durham, actually. I came to you for a simple operation. Infidel! You have the nerve to blame us for terrorism. You make the Taliban look like the Teletubbies on sedation with their aerials removed. Ever since my vasectomy you have sown the end of my nob to my elbow. Violin practice is a nightmare and a terribly messy business. In the name of Allah, try bombmaking and you will cause less mischief. According to our beloved and noble Quran you are a twat. I will now revert to my native tongue to ritually explain Islam to you. Ifya divvena knorr alreddy lick. The Corran is a canny book. Aye. At first, lick, uzz thert it wuz a brekkfass surreal, summit lick a mixture of Quaker Oots and All Bran, but, howay, mon, its a Muslin buk yooz read buckwords, mon! Narr woonder these sewerseed bummuz blews uzall up, bonny lad . The fookin’ instructions reads arsesuppuds, mon. Aye, thassit, nae bother. Rashid Offamafeet
Dr F. I suppose next you will be moaning about the big toe circumcision I performed on your newborn child? Some people are never satisfied. In the name of medicine, it's the NHS! As an over worked pretend surgeon I have to perform up to fifty major operations a day that start out just as routine minor ones… making my job far more fun. Look here. I gave your wife two caesareans for the price of one with a promise of a pie and a pint. What more do you want? Ok, the only sterile environment I could find to conduct the surgery was a carwash but she polished up a treat. You have some gall to complain.. You gave me a pint that was flat as a kippers tit and the pie was beef mince when I specifically ordered chicken and mushroom! I usually get extra gravy and onion rings with BUPA you know.
Me and Dads juss cams frum Kos to stut business todie cuzz we seez on the tellee that UK fatties peeps was flippin’ munchin to Wessmister ‘eresabouts. Owszbout bladdy describeanation or sumsbollickshit innit, for crying out loud, mate. We juss parks our bladdy van under Beeg Bin and flippin sells lecktrick willchass wizz bladdy free kebab for the flippin’ fat peeps. Gor, blimey mate, Pop and me nully flippin’ get kill innastumpeed innit. I nearly shits mussulf. Fatty Brit peeps scares me to shits ma bladdy sulf..Onna bright side, every fat busturds bize our lecktrick willchass with their freebie flippin’ kebab making me and Pops millingnuzz! Dimitri and Pop Upmabubbleass
Dr F. Don’t you know the Queen’s English? Well…. She’s not! She’s German, but that’s not the point. If I keep getting Johnny Foreigner like you badgering me I will have to go abroad. I might as well change my name to Dr Who and the Dialects. Two questions come to mind. Have you tried flipping burgers .. and don’t the wheels get stuck in their throat?