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This week - Sexual Harrassment Can Sexual harassment at work be a problem for the self-employed? (V.Wood) Dr Farquar says: I knew a chisel-featured window cleaner who was pestered by my wife. He was crap. I used to call him ‘Porthole Pete’. When I confronted him he said he was the victim of a smear campaign, although Mrs Farquar complained too, saying that he was quite adept at getting into some of her smaller corners but would always leave her flannel wringing wet. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese throw hamburgers or is this another form of sexual Arabs tent? (Fooge) Dr F: No. That happens later. When Phyliss and I got married the only thing she threw was a ’wobbler’. Before the vows the ‘does anyone know of any lawful impediment’ question caused several guests to be killed in the stampede. Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell or is this just another form of sexual Saddam meant it? (Fooge) Dr F: No. It’s not related at all unlike your sister ‘the wife’. Farts are very stealthy and only move between one or two miles an hour at their top speed. Older farts with caravans can move even slower. Like a ventriloquist who can throw his voice I can ‘throw’ farts. Silently and violently. To make them more deadly I sometimes load my sphincter with an anal thermometer and take aim placing one foot on my desk to harness the mushy peas I had the night before. Not anymore. I demonstrated this skill only last week in the stool analysis lab to understand the unstable nature of flatulence and to find out whether a fart has lumps in it. The experiment went horribly wrong because somebody had left a Bunsen lit. I was submitted to the Burns unit after napalming all my pubes and have a naked flame travel from my pooh chute up my spine and over the back of my head. The bastard took my feckin’ eyebrows off too. Luckily a female technician had the presence of mind to roll me over while ripping my ignited clothes off and with her nimble use of a fire extinguisher and the added benefit of her nylon uniform somehow becoming un-popped during our extended tussle she managed to quell the flames and smothered my charred and naked body in huge amounts of fire-fighting foam…. I’m going again tomorrow. The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get ? Some sexual harassment? (Fooge) Dr F: Toto doesn’t care as long he can lick his own arse as well as others. Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower or is this another form of sexual insurgent? (Fooge) Dr F: It beats me how dangerous activities escape the long arm of the law. If I practiced javelin throwing in the local children park I would be arrested for possessing a lethal weapon. The fact I do it in a crowded sports stadium where anybody could ‘have their eye out’ it is accepted. In actual fact I would probably get a prize instead of a jail term. I blame the historic world famous playwright for this. He was Shakespeare or ‘Tremble Javelin’ to his friends. What are imitation rhinestones? Or can I get others to play with my own ‘Crown Jewels’ and hopefully be sexually bad assed in the process? (Fooge) Dr F: Lucky you. When I was young we were so poor our only family jewellery was called cutlery. I had some other jury recently and my case comes up next week. So tough was my neighbourhood I used to watch the popular sixties kids programme “Play School” and the lady used to say “Lets look at Grunty Fen ….through the……smashed window.” I digress. Rumours say that rhinestones are mined from the Rhine valley and are semi-precious diamantes for people who use them to take your mind off their crap line-dancing routines and dismal country songs. Glen Campbell probably invented them. How does his song go?...erm…“Like a Rhinestone Cowboy ..who fell off off his hoss on his ass in a feckin’ ditch in a star spangled Dode Fahed la..la..dum-dee..dum…” Beware of cheap imitations. I’m more afraid of an imitation Rhinoceros. They charge a lot more than jeweller shops. Unlike rampaging Rhinos, gems are very sexy and not just for the privileged classes of yesteryear. You can get them on mail order these days. Rhinestones or Rhinos? Which gives you the horn? see also Dr Farquar - Smith on: |
