Daily Reckless : Dr Farquar-Smith

This week - Self Esteem

“I have come to you to help get my dignity back. I have no self confidence. Reassurance from an eminent Doctor like you might stop me hurling myself off a curb facedown in a puddle. One ‘glug’ and that would be it.” Wynn Jerr

Dr Farquar says: Don’t get out of your depth. You have come to the right place. A lot of people like you have no talent. I would like to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my arse.

"I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away. Should I stop waiting outside toilets for them?" Mr Completely

Dr F: My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you. Then when you have your self-esteem back you will have the courage to tell your wife that you are gay.”

“What’s the opposite of woe?” Rufus Leakin

Dr F: Giddyup.

“I’m acting weird. I jump up and down. I run everywhere swearing at the top of my voice and then fall to my knees in heap of tears. What’s wrong with me?” Mike Hunt

Dr F: You are managing a crap football team.

“I’m a nymphomaniac and I was impressed with your professional approach as a psychiatrist. When I asked you what you charge you were honest and said “Alright then, £150 a night and no kinky stuff”. Shona Titsoff

Dr F: Well I thought it more ethical if I accepted your first offer. But I do try to discourage girls like you to walk the streets when I have organised a nice dry bus shelter.

“You are supposed to be a caring therapist helping me with my neurosis, but all you seem to be is, well…sex obsessed. Last time I saw you about my panic attacks you said I was hyperventilating and asked me to breathe into a bag blindfolded. Brown paper bags will never taste the same. I feel like swallowing fifty aspirin as well.” Honour Back

Dr F: You should start feeling better after the first two. Remember: ‘Laughter is the best medicine’ and that’s why the rest of your family died of tuberculosis.

“I have low self-esteem because my husband drinks. After a three day bender he starts beating me up by using his fists wrapped in my children. He takes a clothes prop to the dog when we have a perfectly good tumble drier. Then, exhausted, he collapses on my Mother and tries to remove her surgical stockings with his teeth and then falls asleep snoring. Why is this happening?” Ena Shite

Dr F: Please calm yourself. This is quite common. After huge amounts of alcohol, the ball-bag tends to ‘flop’ over the man’s arsehole and causes an airlock.

“Since your bill arrived I have no more need for electric shock therapy to treat my schizophrenia.” Gita Life

Dr F: That’s the trouble with your multi-personality disorder. I have to charge twice. Here is what to do in future. Pretend to have sex with your imaginary friend. Then you can ask each other “Was it as good for me as it was for myself?”

“I am ‘Frankie’ your seventeenth daughter twice removed by bailiffs. You discarded me when you placed me as a bet on a poker game when I was just a few weeks old. I wouldn’t mind, but you lost the game with just a pair of eights. How did this happen?” Frankie Lee Speaking

Dr F: Don’t blame yourself. I thought the Christadelphian was bluffing. Let me explain how you came to be and to prove how fond I still am of you and your string of restaurants. How is Benny by the way? I love this place. I am at home surrounded by pictures of gangsters proving that the ‘prohibition’ was a crock of shite. Mrs Farquar told me once. “It’s the beer or me”. I said “I’m off for a pint then.”

But you have a right to hear about my first wife. The friend and one time lesbian lover of Diane Forafeel, the sex revolutionary therapist. She was the first Fenland woman to get government funding and breakthrough legislation for lady dairy farmers to be allowed to milk cows without the need for wearing a beard-net with high heeled waders.

Well, it all started when I first got married at fifteen to an older and more worldly women. It was a Grunty Fen lass called ‘Shagbag Sharon’ and I guess in hindsight I should never have done it. She used to riddle potatoes too.

So, in truth, I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my
stepdaughter. My Father came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who became, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.

As you know, my wife was now my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.

Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

I hope this clears up the poker mishap. It’s not such a big deal after all when the chips are down. Which reminds me…”Can I have a free coke with my fries and two orders of garlic bread . A veggie-burger in a bun with icecream to follow. A bucket of pizzas and three jugs of beer. Also, the picture of Al Capone being arrested off the wall and two waitresses that haven’t got eczema ..‘to go’.”

So what is your present wife like? Donna Kebab

Dr F: Compared to what?