This week - Rock & Roll

I love rock and roll but was put off slightly by those performers who like to ‘go on the road’? Surely a toilet is more appropriate? Cyth Asizer

Dr Farquar says: I know what you mean. I love those seventies soft rockers now 341 at Tescos. I went in for some ‘Bread’ and ‘Bad Company’ and had to queue with diddywacks to get a small brown uncut.

What’s got three legs and a dick? A drummers stool! Beat that!Barry Kade

Dr F: You can’t fool me with all the musician jokes like “How do you know the stage is level?... Just send the bass guitarist to get some elbow grease and striped paint,” and so on. It’s a sad fact that some bassists are prone to depression so if you see one trying to drown himself, throw him his amp.

If we are to ban Gary Glitter from performing again then we may as well ban Mozart, Beethoven and most other classical composers from live concerts. They all had penchant for pedophilia. Tchaikovsky had a taste for young boys. Amadeus seduced underage girls because he was only five foot nothing. Bach was a little shit too and married his cousin and went on to have 20 children called the Small Faces. Chuck Berry interfered with young girls and went to jail to play with his ding-a-ling! Clive Dunn when he got to number one had lots of little children saying they loved him on national TV … the dirty old bugger. Michael Jackson now lives in Florida in hiding. Some think he’s gone to Tampa with more children. Jools Holland reminds me of my boss when I was a butchers boy proving he is probably a pervert too. Or am I lying? Polly Gram

Dr F: Probably not, I’ve seen the polaroids. Don’t try to preach to me about classic composers. I know them all. Chopping, Meddlesome, Groog, Wanker, and Boney M. In my day there was no such thing as pedophiles. We had to buy our own fucking sweets.

Contemporary rock babe ‘Fergie’ is admired by all us at the ‘Don’t Croak on My Shift’ day centre for how she, at such a young age, managed to wet herself on stage without the use of diuretics, a walking aid or a game of rummy. We all shared the same warm feeling and got up and danced in the pond together. Dolly Dimple

Dr F: A mishap. She claimed she spilt champagne on her grey flannel shorts before the gig. I contend that the champagne must have tasted like piss from the start. Keith Richards' party trick is to snort his deceased father's ashes so to remember him every time he sneezes, proving that he had to read between the ‘lines’ as far as the will is concerned. What a stupid thing to do. Such acts will haunt him later with probable sinus and the onset of a recurring dust allergy.

How come Stevie Wonder got the Gershwin award? He hasn’t written a thing in years.Tommy Moore

Dr F: He dropped his pencil.

Culture Club girl man Boy George said funky freak Prince looked like a dwarf dipped in a bucket of pubic hair! In that case then ‘Boy’ must look like the guy who ties the girl to the tracks in silent films with the film camera set to night vision. Who puts on his makeup? A Mollusc? Mona Lott

Dr F: Leave the big fat sweaty nob alone. If a few more people drew on their heads there would be less graffiti.

Britt Ekland said Rod was so mean with money it hurt him to go to the bathroom. Janice Later

Dr F: As a onetime gravedigger, you have to take your hat off to him and to all other mourners of his old stuff. He sings Nat King Cole covers now. Robbie Williams did that with ‘bratpack’ crooning and nobody has seen him since. Most performers wait in line to go to rehab time and time again. Surely they could stage individual ‘comebacks’ in the grounds and save a fortune in roadies and chauffeurs?

Elton John had Tim Rice write his lyrics instead of poet wizard Bernie Taupin and the tubby toad now plays Las Vegas at ‘The Big Red Piano’. Why doesn’t he go the whole hog and get a tattoo on Brighton pier? Candy Floss

Dr F: Elton is Rock and Roll’s new Liberace. If he could, he would live in the Vatican as the Pope of Pop. Except he’s probably not had as many cardinals in a row on the steps outside.

Why haven’t Cliff Richard and Paul McCartney ever done a duet? They look like any other old people that might get on quite well without falling out over who met Barbara Streisand first or who has the most egg down their shirt? Come on boys, give my Gran a real treat and sing “Mull of Kintyre is wired for sound when I’m sixty four” Moira Tomboy

Dr F: Imagine that! That would be like having Bono and Keith Chegwin doing a song for comic relief! They are both working for fuck all at the moment so they might as well do something for charity. I can’t stand the little cheeky faced tosser with his squeaky voice and his crap haircut. I think Keith is a plank too.

David Bowies sings like he’s throwing up. Bryan Ferry sings like he has thrown up, making them the ‘Thin White Puke’ and ‘Poxy music’. Phil Isstyne

Dr F: It is you who should wash your mouth out. I suppose you like the ‘Cosy Chefs’ and ‘The Kings of Noel’? Or other trite shite like ‘The Mimic Straight Poachers’? Next you will say ‘Oasis’ is the next ‘Foster and Allen.’ What kind of twat are you? If you say you have a brain then I want the drilling rights… and when are you going to bring me my ‘Best of the Yetties’ album back?

Is Glen Campbell really making a comeback or is he Mickey Dolenz’s father? By the way do all Americans look like that? Dick Edd

Dr F: Yes. You can even see the similarity of George Bush and Barack Obama . They both are on hormone replacement therapy in order to stand for president except the treatment didn’t go so well for Bush. I picked up the epidural syringe by mistake and the bastard snapped off in his neck. He only has the odd contraction, usually when he is asked any questions on foreign policy.

Well, until Bruce Forsythe dies, there will be elderly people trying to sing over and over again all over the world. Tony Bennet is approaching 100 years old and he still leaves his fart in Sam Pams disco. Tom Jones is Welsh and that hasn’t stopped him. And after hiding my rolled up socks for all those years, he promises to never dye his hair again or pretend to have a semi in his strides. While these guys are still rocking, so are their chairs.

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