Heavy drinking has always kept me calm. Especially, when the officer hands me a coffee and a blanket. Terry Dactyl
Dr Farquar says: I’ve never tried dunking a blanket in coffee but at least they are both warm and thick like your wife. When you have done your ‘bird’, rest assured…………… so have I.
I have been given some relaxation exercises to deal with my stress. They are so effective I can’t even be bothered to go to work. Colin Insikk
Dr F: Here is a technique to relax you and set you up for the day.
It’s a tense/relax exercise taken from the book of ‘Calm’ by Fiona Toy
When I need to relax I like to draw myself a nice hot bath. The trouble is I have run out of crayons. Perhaps I should try Acupuncture. Paisley Shorts
Dr F: Beware. Acupuncture is like hedgehogs. They have three hundred pricks and one arsehole. Everybody is doing it, getting their ‘qualification’ out of a cornflake packet. You don’t need to feel a little prick just because you are tired. Why, you could feel right as rain and still accomplish that without professional help. Try a footbath, while I put gravel in your shoes.
Essential oils are great for tension as long as I don’t rub myself up the wrong way. Kip Alookout
Dr F: Never buy an essential oil you simply don’t need. I did offer you my oil burners and I said to take them home and told you to ‘light a candle under the bowls’ you thought I said ‘bowels’ and now I have to book you in for another appointment.
I like complimentary medicine. I came into your surgery and you said I had nice tits. Thanks, but I still have trenchfoot. Cindy Wellies
Dr F: This natural procedure for good mental health is called ‘affirmations.’ It’s an age-old holistic way to make you feel good about yourself. Do this now and you will be more confident.
Tell yourself to the bathroom mirror in the morning that you are not an ugly bitch and do not have the personality of toe-grit at least three hundred times and you feel much better about thoughts of wretchedness, self loathing and your inevitable suicide.
I have to relax more at work. Errors have been made and others will be blamed. Jean Evershuddup
Dr F: Only worry when you wake up screaming but you haven’t fallen asleep yet. When I want your opinion I will give it to you, in the meantime, Earth is full right now, so go home.
I’m a hermaphrodite and work at a chicken grooming parlour. I went into a chemist for condoms and was thrown out for asking where the fitting room was. Why? Tracey Outline
Dr F: You are very stressed indeed. Try these tips to reduce your stress levels and call attention to yourself.
I’m an archeologist. I relax by digging up people’s gardens to find worthless chunks of pottery just to prove you can’t buy them at Argos anymore. Ivor Trowel
Dr F: I love archeology. What’s new? That’s nothing. I dug up a 3000yr mummy in the Negev desert last year and I astonished historians with knowing the time and cause of death. One curate said to me “You are only a GP, how did you know the time of death as during the start of the reign of King David of Israel and cause of death as heart failure?”
I told him, I saw a note it its hand saying, “10000 shekels on Goliath.”
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: