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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Question Time

What do penguins wear for play clothes? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: Interesting that. I saw that ‘March of the Penquins’. They all huddle together for weeks in huge groups enduring subzero temperatures while waiting for their wives to join them. It’s like a scene from outside the Metro centre in Gateshead on a Saturday afternoon. What I didn’t realise is how gay a lot males penguins are. Apparently last season one of them reached into its back-pocket to get his packet of ‘Halls cherry soothers’ and unzipped it to find a couple of plums. The penguin behind said “When you’ve finished playing with me balls can you do me flies up again, thanks.”

Its seals I feel sorry for. Imagine two young seals at a bar and the conversation.

“Fancy going clubbing later?”

“Not in these shoes”

What do people in China call their good plates? (Fooge)

Dr F: I imagine our little oriental cousins are not as precious as Westerners. They eat off the floor so they can’t be that fussy and if they can’t afford chairs then they will hardly be bothered with ‘best china’. I only ever keep a couple of old crocks in a cupboard under the stairs and they are called my parents.

What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company? (Fooge)

Dr F: This is a true story. I used to work for Liptons as a kid on Saturdays. Seventeen shillings with free uniform and lunch on duty. Spaghetti Bolognese that was like wet string and brown Windsor. This greasy little man called ‘Bubbles’ was my manager and he was also the friendly local neighbourhood pervert too. He cornered me in the warehouse once and plied me with Viscount biscuits. I can’t tell you what I had to do to get a Twix.

What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it? (Fooge)

Dr F: A detention centre.

What do you call a male ladybug? (Fooge)

Dr F: Non-specific Urethritis

What do you call male ballerinas? (Fooge)

Dr F: Slightly effeminate if I’m not at all too much surprised. I saw Billy Elliot and if any of my male patients did so much as dream of doing poofey girlie things like that I’d put something on their mincey wincey, hoity toity, prissy wissy arses that Ajax couldn’t wipe off. Err… only when the rest of the staff had already gone home …………………and only if they had a bottom like two eggs held gently in a handkerchief.

What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes? (By Fooge)

Dr F: Probably “Excuse you”. God is polite like that. And we’ve all said it for him at some stage ever since he made us. Bear in mind, as he is immortal, a three day cold is like a few millenniums to him or since the beginning of man at least. So the poor sod has been in bed all this time. Can’t you tell?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Dr F: “Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck!”

What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice? --Steven Wright

Dr F: I heard you the first time. I hate statistics. Apparently because I eat all the wrong foods smoke and drink and expose myself to all kinds of diseases everyday I am five times more likely to die of a heart attack than any of my patients. I’m a doctor.. ‘bring it on’. Death does not faze me. For instance only the other day I had to tell a patient that their results back from the lab were dire. The lady in my care asked “Ok Doctor. Give it to me straight. How long have I got? “

I said “Ten.”

She said “Ten what…ten months…ten weeks…ten days please tell me…??”

I replied “Ten …nine….eight….seven….six….”

What happens if I go on a survival course - and I don't pass? (Fooge)

Dr F: Go ahead. My books are full so another death is less paperwork. Good diet is essential on any survival course. Frankly this may be a challenge to you. Last week you attended my late clinic with a carrot up your nose, a beetroot in your left ear and an unwashed parsnip up your arse. I could tell you were not eating properly.

What happens when you swallow your pride? (Fooge)

Dr F: As I have told my mistress many times ‘one swallow doesn’t make a summer.’ Swallowing pride is like eating humble pie at the same time. Nobody ever died of this condition. You emailed me to say that you were concerned about this and had heard a rumour about one individual in my direct care who died of typhus when I previously diagnosed tonsillitis. Let me put your tiny mind at rest. He died of tonsillitis.

I am Dr Cohen in room 302. With respect you cannot die of tonsillitis.

Dr F: You do.. if you give it to me.

What if the ‘Hokey Cokey really is what it's all about? (Fooge)

Dr F: Probably. I know when the guy who invented it died the undertaker had a job screwing the lid of the coffin down. Let’s look at its origin.

The ‘Hokey Cokey’, the popular dance, has always been seen as an innocent, if raucous, form of entertainment. But an Anglican clergyman has now discovered a more sinister side: it originated as a parody of the Roman Catholic Church's Latin Mass.

Canon Nairn-Briggs said: "In the days when the priest celebrated the Mass with his back to the people and whispered the Latin words of consecration with many hand movements, the laity mimicked the movements as they saw them and the words as they misheard them." The words "hokey cokey" were a mishearing, or a deliberate parody, of the Latin phrase "Hoc est enim corpus meum", which translates as "This is my body".

Canon Nairn-Briggs also contends that another corruption of the same phrase is "hocus pocus", the words believed to be used by magicians when they were casting spells.

Historical sources appear to back up his theories. The Hokey Cokey became a popular dance in 1940s America and crossed the Atlantic with US soldiers. But its origins are much older and it seems to have gained popularity originally on this side of the Atlantic, before being taken to the US by refugees. An earlier folk dance version was performed in mainland Europe in the 19th century.

I’m off to the surgery’s Vicars and Tarts party tonight and looking forward to some ‘in out.. in out ..and shake it all about’ of my own making.

Doctor I’m phoning you because my wife is having contractions three seconds apart.. what should I do? (Fooge)

Dr F: Is this the first child?

“No, it’s the husband. I do believe it may be your baby she is having as during her pangs of distress she shouts your name. What’s wrong with your own wife and why sleep with mine?” (Fooge)

Dr F: I was getting a second opinion. You will need to get me some clean towels and a bowl of hot water. I need a bit of a wash and shave if I’m going to the Vicars and Tarts party straight from work.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:

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