This week: PMS

What does PMS stand for? Prime Murder Suspect? Jess Arsking

Dr F: No. ‘Pass My Shotgun’

How best to deal with my PMS? While on the motorway on my cycle I have been calling all bumper stickers that say “How’s my driving?” and screaming down the phone “Like a deformed lump of shit that has one braincell for each testicle. Die you bastard...DIE Motherfucker”.. and then I hurl items from my bike basket at the driver when trying to ram him. Should I be concerned? Irma Nutter

Dr F: Yes. Targeting van drivers of commercial vehicles is not going to make you feel better. Try those cunts with caravans.

Is PMS all the rage? Jem Wragg

Dr F: Only one week of the month.

You men don’t understand. I’m a psychic but even I cannot tell what mood I’m going to be in anytime of the month. I get PMS every day except the occasional weekend off when I go to go to Ikea or do lunch with another person's husband. Tam Ponn

Dr F: Do they come to you to have their palm red?

I hate Jane Austen and her characters who probably believe an orgasm is something Darwin found under his microscope and look like they are pre-menstrual three weeks in four. They should loosen their corsets and slip in a rampant rabbit now and again. May Doo

Dr F: Why do you think they wear period costume?

You haven’t a clue what we women go through. How would you like blood spewing out of your body and feeling like shit? Missy Bugger

Dr F: Men call that frontline combat. Or trying to fight worldwide terrorism. I missed the draft because I am too busy looking after women that come to me with their pathetic menstruation problems. One week in the trenches and you will soon forget your ‘monthlies’. The enemy would give up without a fight too. So in future all war will be waged ‘when the decorators are in’ to defend the West and you to beat the enemy into submission by screaming “I can’t stand you any longer’ or shrieking “men are all bastards... just fuck off and don’t bother coming back”. Throwing cups at the wall while hugging a hot water bottle will discourage any insurgent night time raids for sure.

I think I missed my period.  I think you are responsible. You seduced me after the gig saying I was a beautiful singer. Susan Boyle

DR F: Well you seemed so grateful at the time and it was the least I could do. You are a beautiful singer..it’s just you have a face like a pork pie after it has been run over by a forklift. Plus a bikini line that starts from your second chin.

I’m on the pill to regulate my periods. It seems to get me noticed by boys too! Is that because I am less moody? Enya Dreems

Dr F: No, it’s because you look like a lesbian and most boys love a challenge.

I am a starving vampire. Fancy having to wait 28 days to get a decent meal from my wife? Dud Scary

Dr F: That’s bad form on her part. I’d go straight for the jugular when you get home.

I’m a vampire too and like to use tampons. It makes a change from herbal T bags. Luke Warm

Dr F: Add some cream but mind the clots.

I’m a vampire and walked a tampon home once. It bastard rained and I couldn’t get the fat bitch through my front door. Ned Apush

Dr F: Was the conversation absorbing too?

I’m a vampire and I uses feminine pads so I can be care free and fly all night flipping and rolling in the air with absolute confidence. Bet SinnaBelfry

Dr F: Is that a bit of white shirt sticking out from under your collar. Oops! I forgot you are hanging upside down.

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb? Moira Less

Dr F: I don’t know but one or two may ‘show’. The only difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant women is that you can unscrew a lightbulb.

How many men with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? Norman Lee

Dr F: ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a feckin’ light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is feckin’ BURNED OUT? They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they feckin’ figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the feckin’ light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the same feckin’ CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the feckin’ light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the feckin’ chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the feckin’ STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME FECKIN’ SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH  IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE FECKIN’ STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS FECKIN’ HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE FECKIN’ RUBBISH!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL FECKIN’ SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF RUBBISH THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE FECKIN’ ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PILE OF SHITE! I’M OFF DOWN TO THE PUB TO GET WRECKED YOU BUNCH OF LAZY THOUGHTLESS INCONSIDERATE BASTARDS.

And…and…and…
NO PORK SWORD FOR YOU TONIGHT!

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