This week: Pests

The biggest pests are God Botherer’s at my door on a Sunday.  I like to spray ‘Raid’ in their faces. But they still keep coming back. Mona Lott

Dr F: There are no flies on you. Next time when you see their shiny bottoms looking like two eggs in a handkerchief in your street. Do what you did last Sunday while Mr Lott was still asleep upstairs. Open the curtains and spray the windows with shaving foam. Undress completely and start to rub your whole body back and forth against the pane and writhe with abandon in a sensual fashion. But, for a change do it from inside. While it was nice to see your attributes from the comfort of your husband’s armchair I don’t think the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the newspaper boy got the best view.

Pubic lice is a pest. I caught them off you when we got the sand between our toes and a few other places on Scarborough beach. When you said “lets go crabbing” it’s not quite what I had in mind. Lil Scratcher

Dr F: You did say you were itching to go to the seaside.

Is it true a cockroach can survive a nuclear blast? I’m thinking about splitting the atom in my kitchen to find out. Holly Cost

Dr F: Forget it. Your house already looks like bomb has it hit it. Any cockroaches in your house live out their lives at risk from your squalid filth. I know no other patient of mine who hoards vomit by baking it and mounting it on a wall plaque as the only memory of a good night out. You even asked me around to see your favourite collection! That of saliva at the corner of your mouth.

Double glazing sale people are pests. I had one phone me up and I just said I was having a wank and, presto, he hung up. Why don’t people try this at home? Ivor Woody

Dr F: I’m not waiting in all day for a double glazing salesperson to call just so I can have some ‘me’ time.

You’re the biggest pest. Your hands are everywhere. I will complain about sexual harassment. I’m not the only ‘Cleanaway operative’ who has lodged their concerns either. Jess Uzzwell

Dr F: Yes, but there’s something about a man in a bib and brace from Krakow. You can rummage around in my sack anytime.

I have just used that ‘Round-up’ for my garden weeds. I stood on my gazebo and was immediately stampeded by ‘dawgies’. A cowpoke rode up on his mustang and said,”Howdy, I’m just ‘rounding ‘em and movin’ ‘em on” and asked for some coffee and beans and the nearest saloon. That stuff really works!  400 steers herded through your property does kill every dandelion in sight! Hurrah! Rowdy Mates

Dr F: Looking at the state of your conservatory it looks like you've already had the cowboys round.

I’m a pest control expert and have managed to eradicate know vermin and rodents from any house anywhere. I work for the CSA.  Sienna RhymeorReason

Dr F: Yes, I believe you are also responsible for taking my kids away from me and putting my wife into a refuge. How can I ever thank you enough?

I have tapeworm. It’s great for my figure! I can eat as much as I like and still look painfully thin! Whoopee! When it comes out at night, it can even fetch me a diet coke from the fridge without me having to leave the bedroom. At last a slimming regime and a stretchy extra pair of hands into the bargain that works! Alice Leffed

Dr F: It’s a fact that 60% of us have worms proving the other 40% don’t have gardens.

I come from Vietnam and I have big grey greasy rats that find their way into my pantry. What should do? Hoo Ping Mee Bra

Dr F: Get a cat. It won’t get rid of the rats but it will add variety to your usual restaurant menu. What concerns me is your chef wears jodhpurs and is called ‘Paxo’.

A lot of people are getting badly stung by wasps and some even dying. Some humans have lost their lives too. My Mum gets a small jar and then half fills it with molasses. Dad then punches a small hole in the top of the metal lid and soon hundreds of the little fellas wearing the same strip crawl inside and get trapped and then, drown in the sweet and sticky molasses they love. Ingenious! 1000s of dead wasps on my front doorstep. All stuffed in a jar. Sadly, the jar went missing yesterday. Alvin Safety

Dr F: I do apologise. I was doing my rounds and thought a gift of homemade ‘rough peel with spicy chunks’ damson and lemon rind AKA your kind contribution for the Grunty Fen Harvest festival this afternoon! The vicar’s wife used it to put as a filling in her 50 homemade Victoria sponges. We sold out and raised enough money to get a new inner tube for the vicar’s pushbike. Plus, I get double-time to open the surgery on a Sunday.

I think penises are a protruding, pungent and a pissy pest. No matter how hard I shake, it always dribbles its last onto my shoes. Dick Dragon

Dr F: Do you want me to stand further away next time?

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