This week: PATHOLOGY
I wouldn’t be seen dead in your mortuary. Shawn Pubes
Dr F: Why not? Come in and take the weight of your feet. Your stiff upper lip is a start.
Did you know that 10,000 chavs die a year from Lambert and Butler Superkings and Red Bull bought from Tesco? Tracy Outline
Dr F: Every little helps.
Is it true you burp and fart up to a week after you are dead. Nick Rofilia
Dr F: Yes. Sometimes, after a train crash, it's like the London Philharmonic tuning up in here and quite frankly all the noise puts me off my baguette.
Why do they cable stitch heads back on so crudely after an autopsy? Are all pathologists without a crochet certificate? Dolly Dimple
Dr F: I had to conduct post mortems on six victims of your sewing circle yesterday. Gladys Allover in a spate of killing lasting 12 months started stabbing pensioners at the ‘Dunkahobnob’ Care Home for Overipe Catheters’ using a #8 knitting needle. It was clear a pattern was emerging.
It's cold when you are dead. Plus you have to lie on freezing marble and have cold steel instruments shoved everywhere. Have you got a spare cardigan? Poll Tergeist
Dr F: You don’t know you are dead yet. Here, you can borrow this Daniel O’Donnel CD.
I’m dying of Oil of Ulay poisoning. My last wish as a humanist is that I want a woodland burial on a Tahitian Island with my ashes cast over a Tibetan Monks nob with a nude nymph on his head riding a dolphin in a field of gardenias that have birds of paradise nestling in the arseholes of lambs with a Hopi totem pole shaped cake full of doves listening to Enya on their Ipods. Hope Knott
Dr F: I had a cash collection from your relatives for your preferred funeral arrangements. Unfortunately, after the bartab, we only had enough for a cardboard coffin at closing time and so spent the rest on a lapdancing joint and a bargain bucket of chicken we only half ate. It's a bit cramped but at least you won’t have to wait in the wings long.
Hurrah! I have successfully stopped you from robbing me blind with surgical bills by hiding all my cash in my own ‘patient’s notes’. Beat that! Curt Bugger
Dr F: I sterilised you a year ago as punishment for a similar crime. You cannot escape what you owe me. How else will you pay for your wife’s abortion?
You used my ECG reading as toilet tissue again. Explain! Dicky Art
Dr F: Its NHS cutbacks. You have a lot of fluid around your heart. Next time, leave your hot water bottle at home.
You talk of NHS cutbacks. I had a septic tank arrive at lunchtime. Why? Norah Crabstick
I want my brain to be donated to science. Please hurry. Brian Emmorage
Dr F: Patience, please. You hold the jar and this time I’ll try and get the lid off.
What's the difference between a neurotic and a psychotic? Trevor Pursuit
Dr F: A psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but the idea of telling anybody means he will probably shit himself.