This week - Measurement
If this is the computer age how come shoe shops still have only that medieval looking device to measure my foot? (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr Farquar says: It’s a form of sexual bondage. Feet are very erotic to shoes sales people. Why do you think they spend so much time getting the other of the pair in the stock room? They are playing with themselves, that’s why. As for Podiatrists they are the real perverts. How am I expected to reach orgasm when my foot-care involves shaving corns and a new pair of Odoureaters?
We have mileage, yardage and footage. So why don't we have inchage? (Contributed by Keith Sullivan)
Dr Farquar: Mr Sullivan, you have been trying to measure Mr Wiggles again haven’t you. Next time borrow my micrometer.
Why do we still measure the speed of a car by the number of horses it takes to pull it? (Contributed by Dahl Kaiser)
Dr Farquar says: Odd that. Why do we measure horses in hands or their own races in furlongs? Sea depth in fathoms and nautical speed in knots? Cricket pitches in chains? Land in acres and hectare? I was present at the birth of decimalisation. So like the rest of my entire generation I wasted my whole life at school using conversion tables when I could have been learning valuable lessons like being a successful truant because everything else to do with school was just too confusing. Who gives a shit if “Jack bought three dogs and a donkey for twelve guineas each. He sold one to Peter for his marbles, a ‘ Florin and three Poles and a Rod’ weighing 32 fluid ounces ‘per metric bushel hundredweight’. Kim and Mary paid ‘a ream for a perch and two quarts with a farthing inside a peck of pickled drams’ for another. How many light years before the boys got to see the girls ‘thruppenny bits’?” They even measure alcohol at the nurse’s bar in ‘Gills’. Bloody good job I drink like a fish.
If the texts in the Bible have never changed over the years, why is the measurement of the Ark given in metres? Isn't metres the modern method of measurement? (Contributed by Wai Kaey Ng)
Dr Farquar says: You infidel! It was first measured in cubits! I don’t know what translation you have of the Bible but it's bollocks. Get your facts right. After the flood Noah's floating zoo was left on top of Mount Ararat. After forty days and nights of solid rain, the tides receded and there were many Health & Safety issues.
Let's look at my St Tarquin revised and subsidised edition written by my ancestor, the inspired apostle San Miguel who was exiled on the Island of Kos during the Chiffon heresy. He actually helped with building the ark as a scribe and clerk of the works. He invented the first risk assessments. Noah was chief chippie and Ham his NVQ assessor. Shem and Japheth were labourers and were safety aware with their own motto. “Don’t be a fool, protect your tool, wear a hardhat.”
It reads this in my Bible which is always to hand. (I use it to put behind the back wheel of my car because the handbrake doesn’t work) in the first book Genopsychosis Chapter Six:verses 1 thru 18 subtitled “Alexander the Great was a Bighead”
“The Lord said to Noah....there's gonna be a feckin’ flood...
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am telling you to build yourself an Ark" said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and then it will start to rain" said the Lord. "You should have your Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Noah fell to his knees, his arms outstretched heavenwards.
Noah said in further desperation.
“The local estate agent wanted a synopsis/overview of the map of the proposed new flood plan and a complaints commission was set up by residents for homeowners at threat by the proposed rise in water levels, flood alerts and possible evacuation as a consideration. I sent them a ‘blow up Globe’ made out of the jawbone of an Ass with all the green bits painted the same colour as the sea with my Ark (a matchbox glued about where I’m standing now) bearing in mind the ecliptic inclination of the earth's axis ." Noah sobbed.
“Tight bastards! No wonder they chain their pens down.” Noah beat his chest and tore his outer garments with grief.
“Another thing!” Noah wept. “Vandals kicked over the goat-hide and canvas Portaloo. They nicked all the chisels and the water gourds as well. I paid a lot of shekels for that leather and cedar wood ‘Snap on’ box.” Noah further lamented wiping his tears with his long flowing beard.
And Lo it came to pass.
also Dr Farquar - Smith on: