Daily Reckless : Dr Farquar-Smith

This week - Measurement

If this is the computer age how come shoe shops still have only that medieval looking device to measure my foot? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar says: It’s a form of sexual bondage. Feet are very erotic to shoes sales people. Why do you think they spend so much time getting the other of the pair in the stock room? They are playing with themselves, that’s why. As for Podiatrists they are the real perverts. How am I expected to reach orgasm when my foot-care involves shaving corns and a new pair of Odoureaters?

We have mileage, yardage and footage. So why don't we have inchage? (Contributed by Keith Sullivan)

Dr Farquar: Mr Sullivan, you have been trying to measure Mr Wiggles again haven’t you. Next time borrow my micrometer.

Why do we still measure the speed of a car by the number of horses it takes to pull it? (Contributed by Dahl Kaiser)

Dr Farquar says: Odd that. Why do we measure horses in hands or their own races in furlongs? Sea depth in fathoms and nautical speed in knots? Cricket pitches in chains? Land in acres and hectare? I was present at the birth of decimalisation. So like the rest of my entire generation I wasted my whole life at school using conversion tables when I could have been learning valuable lessons like being a successful truant because everything else to do with school was just too confusing. Who gives a shit if “Jack bought three dogs and a donkey for twelve guineas each. He sold one to Peter for his marbles, a ‘ Florin and three Poles and a Rod’ weighing 32 fluid ounces ‘per metric bushel hundredweight’. Kim and Mary paid ‘a ream for a perch and two quarts with a farthing inside a peck of pickled drams’ for another. How many light years before the boys got to see the girls ‘thruppenny bits’?” They even measure alcohol at the nurse’s bar in ‘Gills’. Bloody good job I drink like a fish.

If the texts in the Bible have never changed over the years, why is the measurement of the Ark given in metres? Isn't metres the modern method of measurement? (Contributed by Wai Kaey Ng)

Dr Farquar says: You infidel! It was first measured in cubits! I don’t know what translation you have of the Bible but it's bollocks. Get your facts right. After the flood Noah's floating zoo was left on top of Mount Ararat. After forty days and nights of solid rain, the tides receded and there were many Health & Safety issues.

Let's look at my St Tarquin revised and subsidised edition written by my ancestor, the inspired apostle San Miguel who was exiled on the Island of Kos during the Chiffon heresy. He actually helped with building the ark as a scribe and clerk of the works. He invented the first risk assessments. Noah was chief chippie and Ham his NVQ assessor. Shem and Japheth were labourers and were safety aware with their own motto. “Don’t be a fool, protect your tool, wear a hardhat.”

It reads this in my Bible which is always to hand. (I use it to put behind the back wheel of my car because the handbrake doesn’t work) in the first book Genopsychosis Chapter Six:verses 1 thru 18 subtitled “Alexander the Great was a Bighead”

“The Lord said to Noah....there's gonna be a feckin’ flood...

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am telling you to build yourself an Ark" said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and then it will start to rain" said the Lord. "You should have your Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is your Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah."I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet building ‘regs’. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbours objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, So I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the ‘One beaked double breasted Spotted Owl’. I had to convince the Fish & Wildlife Trust that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no bloody owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we've got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

Noah fell to his knees, his arms outstretched heavenwards.

"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by the Animals Rights Association. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Saying I was discriminating against ‘unclean’ species like swine and cloven footed breeds. The Citizens Advice Bureau said that the state was showing discrimination to me by not allowing me to observe Hebrew tradition. When I got the suit dismissed, The Environmental Agency notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an Environmental Impact Statement on your proposed Flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

Noah said in further desperation.

“The local estate agent wanted a synopsis/overview of the map of the proposed new flood plan and a complaints commission was set up by residents for homeowners at threat by the proposed rise in water levels, flood alerts and possible evacuation as a consideration. I sent them a ‘blow up Globe’ made out of the jawbone of an Ass with all the green bits painted the same colour as the sea with my Ark (a matchbox glued about where I’m standing now) bearing in mind the ecliptic inclination of the earth's axis ." Noah sobbed.

"Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Poles and Croatians I'm supposed to hire and the Inland revenue has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of ‘change of use’ tax. Originally I wanted to build a detention centre/tattoo parlour/leisure centre/coffee kiosk before the shit weather forecast but I couldn’t get the banks to fund me unless I was going to become a charity trust so I told the Natwest to go fuck themselves."

“Tight bastards! No wonder they chain their pens down.” Noah beat his chest and tore his outer garments with grief.

“Another thing!” Noah wept. “Vandals kicked over the goat-hide and canvas Portaloo. They nicked all the chisels and the water gourds as well. I paid a lot of shekels for that leather and cedar wood ‘Snap on’ box.” Noah further lamented wiping his tears with his long flowing beard.

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," The weary man wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"
Noah asked, hopefully.

"Wrong!' Thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."

"What's that?" asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spaketh his last Word: "The County Council.”

And Lo it came to pass.