This week - Leisure
In my leisure time I often like to go for a tramp in the woods. The trouble is they smell and it’s hard to undo that bit of string in the middle. Jill Ted
Dr Farquar says: You don’t have to walk far to find people of few means these days. They come from all over the world to buy puppies and decorate Oxford Street with them. Remember: A dog is not just for Christmas. If they don’t make at least eighty pounds a day by February they end up a nice warm hat.
I like to spend all my spare time arriving late for work and then going off sick. I have had two verbal warnings but not yet had a written one. So I thought I might go to the cinema for a change. Mick Taker
Dr F: I understand perfectly. I phoned work today to say that I could not conduct my surgery because I watched Crimewatch last night and was too frightened to venture out. It was a lie. What really happened was I tried to shave during an erection resulting in a bloodbath.
On my day off I ran out of petrol in my Bentley. You saw my plight and offered to take me to a filling station! I didn’t know it was going to be the nearest dentist. Sir Shawright
Dr F: Life isn’t that simple. For example why is a boxing ring square in shape? While you are swaggering about in huge cars there are people in Sunshine coaches supplied by the Variety Club getting paid only two pounds a week to stuff envelopes or mend pallets. You never hear them moan. They are happy to be exploited as long as they get to play a bit of Cliff Richard before their medication and digestive biscuit. Have you no heart? That reminds me, we need to get that sorted out too.
I’m a pensioner and on my free days I enjoy collecting yoghurt cartons and ‘never know when you might need it’ second hand band aids. I also like to go lap dancing at the local day care centre. The young care staff seem grateful because at least it’s me that gets groped and shit rubbed in my hair for a change. Doris Draughty
Dr F: Capital. I enjoyed the show anyway. There’s something about a discarded floral terylene quilted dressing gown falling to the floor. It’s just a shame you had a drop-fit halfway through the performance.
I like to copulate with as many women as I can on my day off. The other day I happened upon a brothel to find a lady of the evening on her back with her legs in the air. The coroner reported death by ‘missed an adventure’. Perce Yalips
Dr F: Prostitutes are a vulnerable minority. These are poor ignorant girls who forsake decency and wild life trusts to risk their lives to walk lonely streets and loiter in parks after midnight. They take chances upon their well-being and safety to meet clients in inhospitable cemeteries and dark alleys. Why? Mainly because my wife likes to watch that twat Jamie Oliver and the dog needs a walk anyway.
I like to be sectioned under the mental health Act when I have a spare five minutes. Today, for instance, I’m a postage stamp. So, if you stick with me we can go places. Watson Telly
Dr F: Last week you were a German Policeman forcing passers by to congregate in your underclothes. When the Judge asked you why you accosted these poor people you told him they were “All under a vest.” Stop it now. Do more rational activities when you are off-duty. Most people fill their vacant moments of repose by useful hobbies like taking Viagra mainly to stop them rolling out of bed. Where you are concerned, that is a bit like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
I spend a lot of spare time hunting elephants. I go to Africa and throw out everything that is not an elephant and then shoot what’s left. Sharon Getty
Dr F: How novel! Watch out for white ones they are usually found in the shadow cabinet.
I’m an astronaut who is 100 years old today and I’m really over the moon. I have spent a lot of my life just watching the world go by, but now I have a telegram from the Queen because her email system has gone down to tell me to remember my birthday. How cool is that? I nearly pissed and shat myself with joy when I got it……err, too late! What else do you think I should be grateful for at my age? Cathy Terr
Dr F: Lack of peer pressure.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: