This week: Lame Excuses “I can’t come into work right now because…” I am stuck in traffic and it’s called a ‘pile-up’. I have been asked by Captain Scarlet to help him fight the Mysterons but there are a few strings attached. My car seatbelt is jammed and I opened my glove compartment and a swarm of killer bees attacked me. My only chance is to kill them one by one with the cigarette lighter. I had to stop on the M6 for a particularly long filter and as soon as I have smoked it I will be in to work. I injured my groin on a fairground “What the Butler saw” machine and now Health and Safety officials are looking into it. I am considering taking a reduction in salary if allowed more time off like this. I feel I have to contribute to the company’s inevitable failure and demise. I am getting bored with the colour of the office fittings. I am in the middle of self-evaluation research on my commitment to my job. I think I will be of more use at an industrial tribunal. I have spilled hot coffee onto my crotch and I’m now sterile with two sugars. I am addicted to religion and coffee and so I have become a Java’s Witness. I don’t want to stop others from working. I have been invited to a body-painting party after contracting scabies. I have Non Specific Urethritis and so I can’t be sure exactly when I will come back. My laptop and shoes have been stolen. I phoned earlier with a hangover but nobody believed me. I have had to make my own breakfast today and I am afraid I have far too much on my plate. The bottom has fallen out of my world. The world has fallen out of my bottom. I have a latent and very strong desire to find out what a bailiff does. I can’t decide what condom to wear. I put HRT patches on my scrotum by mistake. I think there is too much distortion in the factory's Public Address System. I am fed up with all the moaning women. Their orgasms put me off my work.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: |