This week: Common Knowledge
On our common we have one of those map history plaques with compass points. This must be proof of common knowledge. What a clever fucker I am! Oona Horizon
Dr F: What a daft bat you are. If you were my daughter I would make rapid arrangements for any certificates of achievements to be shredded and used as pet bedding. Then just as the gerbil got sleepy and ready for bed I would set fire to it proving that you are so thick a small rodent had to die for what amounts to your total lack of intelligence and a gene pool resembling a bowlful of sloths vomit.
It's common knowledge I am intelligent because I have a tattoo of a £50 note on my penis. So I can put my money where my wife's mouth is. Viola! I can watch my money grow as well! Paul Mapipe
Dr F: I have a feeling your wife has already blown it.
It's not common knowledge that Paul McCartney is so rich he can purchase every Mars bar in the world. If only he shopped at 'One Stop' he could see the amount of chocolate available that he could afford. Edna Oven
Dr F: He still gets a huge income from vegetarian food products his dead wife Linda made. Not a good advert for a healthier sausage would you say? If the silly cow had eaten lard and turkey twizzles instead of monkey turds she might still be alive today.
I'm a sailor and did you know that its common knowledge for a seaman to have anal sex with other naval men? Surely, if you are going to have sex with men it's better on dry land simply because of the nature of the sea. A swell is a swell after all and hammocks are unwieldy things when they're occupied by just one person. Imagine trying to weigh anchor when this is all going on too! Bernie Bumm
Dr F: I'm more comfortable having navel sex with anal women myself.
It's common knowledge that alcohol is cheaper than bottled water. The government plan to charge fifty pence for one unit in future. If that happens I will not be able to buy a bottle of wine for under a fiver. What should I pour on my roses instead? Mo Malawn
Dr F: I make no secret of the fact your herbaceous borders are a haven for alcoholic dahlias. Anyway I can't see you anymore. The last time my wife saw green stains on my trousers she accused me of playing golf.
It's common knowledge that roadkill is getting bigger. I saw a dead rhino on the London Orbital. I took it home for my wife to cook for a Sunday roast, inviting the whole estate. It was chewy and apart from Big Mac, my neighbour, who swore he got a tranquiliser dart stuck in his throat, it was a huge success. So much so that all I ended up with was the horn. Beat that! Eric Tyle
Dr F: It's not often you get to eat anything from the Zoo. I preferred laid eggs myself. Otherwise if they weren't they would break.Like Hannibal, I would like to cross the Alps with an elephant, but unfortunately Mr Alps, after several attempts, was found to be sterile.
I'm no Einstein, but it's common knowledge that I would like bigger breasts. You told me to use toilet tissue and rub it between my breasts first thing in the morning. I've still seen bigger lumps in porage. How can this regime help, if at all? Imogen Att
Dr F: Well it seemed to have worked wonders on your arse.
It's very common to be common. I shag everything with a pulse. In fact I can do it standing on one leg with my hands tied behind my back. Heather Mills
Dr F: Yes. I had one patient who had a remarkable desire to have sex with reptiles. He had a curiously strong memory for his conquests. It was turtle recall.
It's quite common that midgets like me have to use an umbrella to push doorbells when preaching. There I am with an umbrella when its not even raining! I get some right funny looks I can tell you. Arthur Crown
Dr F: Jehovah's Witness dwarves like you are becoming a common nuisance. Luckily I get to use my umbrella when you call too! I jab it through the letterbox straight into your left eye socket. It's a good job you are not normal height otherwise you would have a very sore pair of bollocks instead.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: