Daily Reckless : Dr Farquar-Smith

This week - Surviving Insanity

Why is yawning contagious? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar says: Its mimic behaviour. When my patients start talking about headlice or scabies I begin to itch and scratch. Likewise when somebody yawns in your company, you will yawn too. It’s not a sleep disorder or fatigue. It’s because you are one boring bastard.

All things considered is insanity the only alternative? (Contributed by J.J.)

Dr F: Here are some refreshing ways to prove you are insane when wanting to get fired from your job:

Before anyone else is in the office connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.

Surround your computer and desk with lit tea lights in the shape of a Pentagram. Make a small ritual sacrifice of a slice of takeaway pizza to the computer before you turn it on each morning for a month. If questioned say you are bringing the elements of the universe into one place in order to become a spiritual guide for the entire organisation you work for.

If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

Print a picture of a naked woman off a sex site. Tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Record all the burps your friends and you have mustered after drinking a crate of beer the night before and play it back on your office CD Rom when the supervisor is close by.

Send the complete works of Shakespeare by fax to your boss then, when it's all done (two days later), say that all you wanted was the first page.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

Simply write in magic marker across your monitor a letter. Then when asked what you are doing explain that your email doesn’t work.

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, emit the sound of the note loudly. Practice ‘Fur Elise’ or ‘The Flight of the Bumble Bee’ until you are ready to perform it to your boss wearing a tuxedo and starched shirt in B flat minor.

Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard and rub the mouse against your bare nipples to make them as big as plumbers thumbs. Finally, hug your neighbour, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

Buy a real mouse from a pet-shop and staple its tail to your desk in front of the whole office. Right click and see what happens.