This week - Impotence
I’m worried. I only go into topless bars to drink. Shawn Pubes
Dr Farquar says: Don’t be anxious. Sex isn’t everything, and even if it was, your wife would still put me off.
We men have to demonstrate our passion by having to display proof of our desire and affection with a dinner ladies arm. All my girlfriend has to do is point and giggle. Why? Alan Adazewrk
Dr F: Poor you. Wear a silly wig in future. This will help her to stop pointing at your poorly arranged fruit bowl. I’m used to women. In fact I was born in bed with one and, to be frank, Mrs Smith may point and laugh as much as she likes but I don’t give a shit because our marriage is based on good spirits. After all, drinking is only something to do while you’re getting drunk with your loved one. If sex and other things rear their ugly head, well, that’s what happens when an unexpected guest arrives.
I’m a pensioner transvestite married to a hermaphrodite ladyboy who is just my size. Who needs sex when you don’t even have to buy clothes? Justin Mafrillies
Dr F: Errm, yes, tough one. I expect your partner is elderly or, as I call them, an ‘oxygen thief’ like you. Still, when you are very old and shortsighted I suppose everybody looks like they have a full set of both, and I’m not talking about false teeth.
If the great footballer of yesteryear, Pele, can admit to not being able to ‘pitch a tent’ on international TV and the Web, why can’t I admit to being only half-cocked to my French teacher? Perry Scopeupp
Dr F: Never fear. You will get your balls back in the net again. It’s all in the mind. You need to spice up your sex life by asking her to wear your uniform for a change.
My Mother always told me not to talk to strangers. Now I am 38 years old and have not met anybody I could try out sex with. Can I borrow a few pounds to go with a lady who can’t make conversation but has a face like a burnt chip pan? Perce Yalips
Dr F: You can’t degrade women by offering money and expecting sex from them simply because they resemble a kennel maid. Impotence is not a disease and soon remedied by keeping cheerful and optimistic. That’s why I have a healthy interest in your health plan of nearly 39%. Just keep thinking to yourself that looking forward to death is what’s keeping you alive.
I have no problem with impotence because I have a magnetic personality. No matter how foul I am, because I’m from Yorkshire, girls seem to be drawn to me. Miguel Suppforrit
Dr F: You seem rather cocksure. If these girls seem drawn to you, send them to my surgery for a pick-me-up. Just tell them to pick me up in half an hour. As for your magnetism, I magnetised your hip replacement so now when you face North you can just keep walking, Bucko.
Since your advice to cope with impotence with the use of lollypop sticks and elastic bands, my girlfriend and I had a nasty accident last time we had sex. She didn’t get the joke on the underside of the lolly stick and I bust my banjo string. Ted Herruptoo
Dr F: Try Velcro next time. It won’t improve your stamina, but at least you will end up sticking together even if fluff from the carpet gets in it.
I’m a cosmetic surgeon who put years on peoples lives. You attended my clinic in the hope of adding inches to ‘Mr Stumpy’ as you referred to it. I regret to have to tell you that if we perform a penile graft it will cost you £1250 per inch by injecting body fat from your double chin into your phallus.. There is a small risk of rejection. Are you still willing to undergo the procedure? Dr Zach McKokk
Dr F: Believe me. I know the ladies won’t reject me just because I’ve swapped my round jowls for bigger Crown jewels. Fancy having a brand new giant flesh loofer made from my face! If I ever get depressed and the nurses say ‘Chin up, Doctor!’ They will get more than they bargained for.
My first wife was a bit of lass and made me impotent by polishing my shoes when I was running for the bus to work. She seemed to be always under my feet in the mornings. She still emails me with more attachments than a vacuum cleaner, begging for forgiveness, sending pictures of us when we used to go to underwater singing and dance classes but it all ended when she borrowed £50 for her coke habit. Instead she bought only one can of Irn Bru and kept the rest of the money. The barman said, “You will never see her again now you have given her all that money.” Colin Mamum
Dr F: So, send her another £5 just to make sure.
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