week: Helping Hands
I am a verger for the “Take a Pew for the Chosen Few ~ Church for the Huge Thermometer Outside.” Please, I beg you, Doctor, help me fundraise for the “Give up your blue badge for a really disabled person” stage show? It’s set in a 19th century London music hall, and features tired old East end cockney songs, sung by harmless, gormless, legless, thumbless, toothless, one-legged, Romanian salad packers and a full chorus of Albanian baby-sellers, to embrace ethnic diversity. If you give up your blue badge it would be showing Johnny Foreigner that you are not the racist you claim to be. Doris Alwaysopen
Dr F: How Noble. I’m afraid I won’t be giving up my blue badge for such a charitable event because I’m involved in another fundraiser. It’s a competition to see how long I can go without having to say yes.
I’m sorry. I’m late for my appointment. I’m running late because of my incessant talking. By the time I get to you, I’m afraid you are never going to hear the last of it. Adele Chatter
Dr F: You people cost the NHS millions with made up illnesses. I won’t be here when you arrive because I’m trying clear the history on my computer before I wank myself to death and, at the same time photocopy my scrotum for a sexy new Swedish intern. So... Prioritise!
Bah! I retrieved my favourite book from a bucket of glue and now I just can’t put it down. Paige Turner
Dr F: That glue is meant for wallpaper and I think I can see a pattern emerging.
I got lost in a missing persons bureau. Help! Abby Fukked
Dr F: Yesterday you changed your locks from the inside of your house and couldn’t get out. I think you should go home and buy a cat. They are easy to floss and double as a loofer.
You told me change is inevitable. Have you tried your fucking coffee machine? Titas Fukk
Dr F: Well, they say, ‘Change is as good as a rest’ That’s bollocks too. I couldn’t pot the black with just 63 pence in my pocket from this angle.
I don’t think much of your dental advice..when I lost an incisor.. all you said was.. “Chew on the other side”..err ..why have you taken your penis out?
Dr F: Good news..I found your tooth.
I’m your secretary. I hate your fax machine it took two hours to join the dots. Bet Sorroff
Dr F: Fax machines are old hat. Just text all my patients from now on: FKD? U SHD BE YA CNT
You have been no helping hand in my business. In fact, I’m bankrupt because of your business advice. Your referral service to form my new company called S.T.D (‘Sex Therapy Delights’), started well until you told all new referrals that it was perfectly normal to have intercourse to take place with the whole family, including their domestic pets! I was inundated! A hamster, one elderly chinchilla and two budgerigars have since had to be put down. The African greenbacked lizard is still in the ICU! Dan Aswannee
Dr F: This is because my idea for swimming goggles with bug screens didn’t catch on. Using a desk fan attached to a dinner fork to cool your food before you eat needs more research too. The jury’s out on the underwater hairdryer, but I have invented a gas that can burn through anything but I can’t find anything suitable to put it in.
I have a chest infection. I gave you my phlegm jar and you charged me £25 to dispose of it, as ‘clinical waste’, calling it a mandatory ‘congestion charge’. What about, I sue you for ‘mucus abuse’? Vic Rubb
Dr F: I’d rather you didn’t bring that up here.
I am here for my cracked nipple treatment. Why do you insist on treating this condition and charging me £5? Wanda Bra
Dr F: Because after an hour it tends to make my lips sore.
I don’t drink or smoke. I get good exercise. I eat a healthy diet. I am faithful to my wife and give to charity. Why the continual headaches? Ed Pounding
Dr F: Your halo's too feckin’ tight.
I am professor Friesian Mee from the ‘Scream If You Want To Go Faster’ Cryogenics lab. You requested that, prior to your death, you wished to be put in suspended animation. May I suggest you ‘cut out the middle man’ and book an urgent appointment and sit in your own surgery to simulate total motionlessness for what seems a fucking age? F.M
Dr F: Your bone marrow test has come back to reveal you have a genetic brittle bone problem. The slightest impact could shatter all your limbs. A sneeze could crack your ribcage like an egg. Gentle exercise is prescribed. So, I’ll pick you up for judo practice about 7pm.
Allo, allo. I am a French executioner. The guillotine is too good for you, Monsieur. Kwa Sont
Dr F: I’m not using one of those again until you get it fixed. The last time I did, I ended up deaf for ages and then after a long legal battle I still had trouble with my hearing. No fecker turned up, that’s why! Apart from the cleaner, and I could only see her lips moving. I said, ‘Speak the feck up..I can’t hear a fecking word you’re saying, because I’m deaf in one ear .. and I can’t hear feck all out of the other one either...” You know what? It turned out the bitch was just chewing gum.