This week - General Enquiries
What about motorcycle couriers carrying urine samples who swerve dramatically in front of you and then slam on their brakes. This really is taking the piss. Where’s the bottle in that? (By Fooge)
Dr Farquar comments: Wait until you stop at the traffic lights and call his attention. Spray silly string at his helmet visor. If that doesn’t work try Jeyes fluid. Usually couriers have a sign “How am I driving?” take the time to bump him into a ditch so you can tell him “Like a twat”.
What about impatient Samaritans who just tell you to ‘get a grip and fuck off’ (By Fooge)
Dr F: These solitary community volunteers are not there to offer advice or be judgemental. They are on the end of the phone purely to massage their groin.
What about those who can projectile vomit and still insist on maintaining good eye contact. (By Fooge)
Dr F: Ferry travel can cause nausea on a rough crossing. This is a true story. I went on a ferry only once. I asked a steward where we were headed and he said ‘to Zeebrugge.’ A lucky coincidence because that’s where I happened to be going. The gale blew and the portholes were seemingly filled with water and sky in ever more rapid succession. The colour drained from my face and so I went to the men’s room where my eyes met a scene from what only could be described as ‘The Battle of the Little Big Horn’ with twitching near corpses retching everywhere and Custer clinging to the towel dispenser surrounded by a group of men trying to revive him. I asked if as a Doctor I could be of assistance. One anxious drunk said “I bloody hope so….hes our busdriver!”
What about when lying in an ambulance, having been cut from the wreckage of a tube train accident, those paramedics who get into a heated argument about whose turn it is to drive. (By Fooge)
Dr F: How precious! When they use CPR slip them your tongue. If you regain consciousness tell them you are with BUPA and stick a fiver in each of their top pockets. It won’t get you to the hospital faster but you can probably stop at the Holiday Inn on the way rather than a Little Chef.
What about people who have ‘panic attacks’ because they can’t think of anything to worry about. (By Fooge)
Dr F: Nurses worry all the time. Are they able to satisfy their superiors? Are they getting enough pleasure and fulfilment out of the job? Does sexual harassment bother them and if so how can they get some? I hope the following advice for all my insecure patients and those unable to ‘grab hoggins’ will be food for thought. Here on this page you can benefit from my reassurance. In my long years as a physician I have been asked many questions about sex between couples. The more the merrier I say! This is fine but if you are bored with only four of you, what’s the harm in asking passers by to join in the fun? Sex between couples is fine as long as it's mutual and you agree to share the electricity bill. In my experience I believe sex is a precious gift from our Creator and it would be wrong to charge your wife more than once anyway. This recipe for passion and a rewarding sex life takes into account those of us who are painfully shy and find it hard to say what we like in bed especially with our mouths full.
What about tenacious individuals who attempt to get headstones on buses? (By Fooge)
Dr F: Yes and you know who you are. But this is not as bad as old people who tell the driver that they have a touch of ‘The Inka Two-step’ so they can sit at the front of the bus. Its amazing what people with curvature of the spine will stoop to.
What about girlfriends who say they’re ‘not in the mood’ but stay up till the early hours watching ‘Sex And The City’. (by Fooge)
Dr F: How impertinent. Be more discreet. If you are too shy to ask your partner directly to partake in ‘the jousts of Venus’ just leave small ‘post its’ on strategic points all over your body and to hell with the conversation.
‘Caution toxic substances”
“Beware of the hump”
‘Not for turning’
‘Riders must dismount’
“Keep off the hard shoulder”
“Cross bridge slowly”
“Get your ticket punched here”
“Reduce speed now”
“Do not lean your bike against this entrance”
“Rear access only”
“Yield” or “Walk now”
“Have you paid and displayed?”
And lastly, of course, ‘Trespassers will be prosecuted’
also Dr Farquar - Smith on: