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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Friendship

I love the saying "A hedge between keeps friendship green." What if one turns green with Ivy? By Fooge

Dr Farquar comments: Yes, it could be a bitter blow to the privets.

Have you heard the phrase "God defend me from my friends; from my enemies I can defend myself?" Does this mean loving thy neighbour could be sleeping with the enemy?

Dr Farquar comments: To coin a phrase from a popular soap. “Thats why good neighbours become good friends.” Except they all just seem to fight among themselves on that tedious show. My neighbour is a ‘regular girl next door’ type. In fact she has never been constipated since she sampled my homemade beer.

What does this little Chinese proverb mean "Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead."? (sent by Julio Fung)

Dr Farquar comments: Very subtle counsel indeed. A bit rich coming from a race that invented the ‘Chinese burn’ don’t you think? It means…. if you must bury the hatchet with a friend aim between the shoulder blades.

"To have a friend, be a friend." (sent by Julio Fung)

Dr Farquar comments: Everybody likes to be liked. Showing consideration will win you popularity. Why not hang out a friends washing in the morning so they are not late for work? If they don’t text a ‘thankyou’ leave the fecker out in the rain for when they get home.

"Life without a friend is like death without a witness." - Spanish Proverb

Dr Farquar comments: What you mean a Jehovahs Witness? Discourage them calling at your door at all costs. Here is a tip. Their central doctrine believes that we are all sinners. To prove their argument invite them in and say “Let me show you the power of my God” and then get your knob out.

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Arabian Proverb

Dr Farquar comments: Until we try to nick your oil and then you try and blow us all away.

"It is better to be in chains with friends , than to be in a garden with strangers."
-Persian Proverb -Sent in by Shawn

Dr Farquar comments: I know. It’s the last time I go to a B.B.Q arranged by Michael Barrymore.

A phrase is "A good friend is my nearest relation"? How true? I love having relations and my case comes up next week. By Fooge

Dr Farquar comments: Get a life. Thats incest where I come from. I live in Grunty Fen. The local demography is this. “If my son was good enough for his mother then so is his sister.” This is where ‘kissing cousins’ are not just part of a tight-nit community but the family tree runs out of branches at genital height. Here ‘Sheep-worrying’ has rules of engagement so binding that your own Mothers sisters brothers daughters husbands Aunts Fathers nieces significant other could end up as Sunday roast.

The silky voiced guitarist from the sixties and seventies James Taylor sung “Ain’t it good to know you gotta friend?” Does this mean he is just a lonely baldy twat? By Fooge.

Dr Farquar comments: You refer, of course, to the white God of soul. Still believed by his blues and country soft rock contemporaries to be the Grandmaster of all American folk music and the greatest new age bluegrass ballad singer of his era. The Daddy of Californian ‘redneck’ crooning. Yes, I’m afraid he is. I am follically challenged but I don’t pull faces like him while I’m singing… even on the bog after a Vindaloo. …To demonstrate “I got Fire and I got Rain….”

An English Astronomer once said " A cheerful friend is like a sunny day spreading brightness all around." Don’t happy friends just get on your nerves and make you want to slap them in the toilets? By Fooge

Dr Farquar comments: It depends on how much money you have already lent them. Always test your real friends and offer to go on holiday with them. Try to smuggle some drugs through customs and if you are caught watch when they are questioned to see if they deny knowing you.

A wise man said to me “Always make room for another friend”. So I did, and he made even more room in my fridge. How can I stop this friend from eating me out of house and home? By Fooge.

Dr Farquar comments: A true friend will expect nothing in return…because he usually has all your stuff anyway. Discourage his greedy foraging by eating out and before the bill is presented pretend to go to the Men’s room and discreetly leave by a Fire exit. If that doesn’t work start flirting with his teenage daughter.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions