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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Actual Facts 2

Chocolate can kill dogs; it directly affects their heart and nervous system. Fraser Shirtcuff

Dr Farquar says: Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans
and cane sugar, thus a healthy snack. They prevent heart attacks. They contain preservatives to make you look younger.

The downside? If you get it on your fingers while in a hot car you are eating it too slowly.

As for the dog dilemma? It costs only one bar of chocolate to kill your dog. Think of how much more it would cost to have it ‘put down’ leaving you to spend what you would have saved on more chocolate.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured , they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape. Ginger Yersell

Dr F: Dead handy when your Spitfire dumps in the drink then?

Just imagine. Even if you manage to drag your half severed limbs from the cockpit alight with gallons of aviation fuel, you at least have a chance to read your ingenious waterlogged map amidst 30ft waves before Jerry picks you up!

Did you also know that the day Sir Winston Churchill became Prime Minister and led us to war, he fell out of a cab pissed and broke his hip, hence the walking aid he was so often seen with. No wonder he always gave two fingers to the camera.

Of all US prisoners 55% are in prison for drug offences. Clem Atus

Dr Farquar says: Now there’s a surprise. On the bright side.. this proves that the whole US gene pool doesn’t have a ‘deep end’.

To all our Colonial cousins across the pond. We gave you Hamlet. You gave us Macdonalds! I expect you still think the former is a Happy Meal too!

This brings us to more admin issues. If you come from Arkansas and want to register with my surgery please fill in the following form below with the help of your elbows, some stolen diesel, a greasy air hat and torn ill-fitting plaid shirt: (Large spaces are left in between the words on this form for easy reading and leaving you time at intervals to change a tyre, shoot a possum or take a dump over yonder in Bubba’s barn.)

Last Name: ________________ (last)

First Name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Hairdresser
(_) Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Spouse
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______

Father's Name: _______(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 Other N/A Circle highest grade or state.
(‘State’ does nor mean ‘ Idaho’ it means for example: Taught at Home/ Clems bar / Megs truckstop / or jail etc)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home or did you steal it from Jed’s farm? ( )

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still start up
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

____ Shitter

Model and year of your pickup: ______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
Rifle and Shotgun ( )

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly

( ) After Harvest

( ) When I get to date my teenage daughter ‘Lulabelle’.

(_) Not Applicable

Colour of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_) Red-Man ( ) Tobacco twist ( )Any old shit ( )

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

How computer literate are you?

Do you open your email:

Howdy Yall ( )

With a belch or fart ( )

Is your screen saver a picture of :

Your naked sister ( )

Your favourite truck/ rifle/ haystack/beltbuckle ( )

A member of your family shovelling roadkill for Sunday roast ( )

Yo Mama ironing clothes in the driveway ( )

A Billy goats ‘boobies’ ( )

 


see also Dr Farquar-Smith on:

Transport
Christmas
New Year
Success
Love
Health
Laughter
The Ward
Death
Cremation
More death
The Generation Gap
Intelligence
Medicine
Diet
Psychics
Body Neurosis
Smoking
Diagnosis
Truth
Drink
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
Life
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Thinking
Dreaming
Extra Terrestials
Definitions
More Definitions
Sleep
Friendship
Money
Timewasters
Hygiene
Hair
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Halloween
Sheep
Pet Hates
Dementia
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums
Conundrums 2
Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy
Personal Experience
Measurement
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Testimonials
Challenges
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law

Question Time
Words
Incest
Communication
Finer Details
Parents and Family
Wonder
Riddles
Community
Patriotism
Defying Description 1
Defying Description 2
Good Practice
Sex and the Law
Pigs
Expressions
Superstition
Stress
Work and Life Balance
Teeth
Dogs
Self Esteem
Luck
American Football
Political Correction
Colloquialisms
Actual Facts 1