This week - Epitaphs

The very word Epitaph makes me laugh. Watch this.. ‘Epitaph’….arf! arf! arf! Daff Booger

Dr Farquar says: Laughing inappropriately is associated with Tourettes syndrome. Swearing or being profane is another symptom. Luckily I’m fucking immune because God's a right wanker ha ha ha ha.

My Father’s epitaph was “I wish I were now what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.” It was the only way to make people stop at his graveside. Nothing was more moving for my dad than for him to see from heaven a group of non-plussed mourners reading his stone and then scratching their heads in disbelief. Especially when everybody thought he was a right tit even when he was alive anyway. Rick Maneck

Dr F: I can’t disagree with you there. He made Robert Kilroy Silk look like the right right wing proper electric beach berk he is. That UKIP party is money for old rope when they could buy something more useful.

I just want a few profound simple words on my grave …like “OK , so this is not such a big deal after all, bring it on! Or, “So much for living life…. outside of the box.” Tex Melater

Dr F: I would like to say that is a fitting tribute but weighing in at 32 stone inside the coffin it won’t be. On the plus side being morbidly obese when you cash in your chips instead of living on them means the undertaker could bury you face downwards. Even at six feet under your arse will make a very handy vase.

I want to do die bravely so that people can read at my tomb what a show off I am. I like the words. “I done some bad. I done some good. I done a whole lot better than Mummy thought I would. Pity I died of a boring old asthma attack.” Ronan Wilde

Dr F: I fear I might well up. But actually I don’t give a shit either way. I offered you your very first fag at the age of eighteen months and this is how you repay me.

I want to put R.I.P on mine with a different font to be original. The trouble is the church will have nothing to baptise babies in! Diane Shortly

Dr F: Yes, my diagnosis is grave too. You have Deep Van Trombone of the fore lip. The best you can hope for is a transplant but donors are scarce. Look what happened to Kenneth Branagh? As for ‘resting in peace’ you have a plot right near where I meet ‘Shagbag Sharon’ after the chippy on a Friday night and she tends to make a bit of racket. Her blowjobs sound like a cement mixer. ‘Twice ‘round and down’.

I want to be buried at sea to see who really can be bothered to tend my grave. Those who really loved me would hire a boat and wear scuba gear to change the daffodills, don’t you think? Brian Bread

Dr F: Bad news I’m afraid. I already bought plastic ones from ‘Poundstretchers’. But the good news is they will never need watering.

I went to NY to see epitaphs at Ground Zero and was very touched. Now you have changed my medication I’m completely bonkers. Leon Attic

Dr F: Firemen risk their lives every day, so, show some respect. I admit they seem a bit crap at forest fires. There is always some out of control forest fire in California proving that if you don’t fancy burning alive in your own home you can always rely on the patron Saint Andreas to swallow you, the family, the home the car, and the bridge whole at any moment. Firemen are paid to stamp out forest fires even if it means ruining a perfectly good pair of boots. In future all forests should have their trees at least a mile apart so they don’t set each other on fire.

The loveliest words I ever read on a gravestone was: “Behind you..” They don’t make epitaphs like that anymore. Another was “You are here…” They were so heart- warming my friend and I struggled to get them both home on the bus. Winnie Lottery

Dr F: How sweet. Unfortunately, stone memorials are much heavier than your tartany pushey wheeley shoppey thingey. Thank goodness they were just regular sized headstones. Imagine if they were those gigantic obelisk shrines with a cherub and angel both sides? That would really piss the busdriver off. He would see it as a monumental mistake….and I just a mental one.

I was in Greece. Do you know on every mountain hairpin corner they have a shrine where somebody died on that dicey windy bit through either a car or motorbike crash? What a stupid place to put it. That’s exactly how accidents happen in the first place. There you are lighting the candle paying your respects and the next thing you know you become street pizza and are being hose-piped off the road and then somebody else comes along and lights a candle for you and BANG the same thing happens again! By this time the dodgy mountain bend is getting crowded with shrines making it harder to avoid crashing into the next person who lights a candle who then is promptly run down by another vehicle as I speak. I bet the bloke who builds the shrines takes his life in his hands too! God knows how many other people he has helped to kill on other mountains just because he was a good carpenter and has a blue Vespa and a couple of goats! Jess Feckoff

Dr F: Yes, we get the gist. It's all Greek to me. These Greek shrines are little glass and wood cabinets with small mementos and an oil burner or candle to remember the deceased and stand on the place where they perished. Maybe a small photo, favourite keyfob, comb or pen knife etc resides inside in memory of a needless navigational error. Generally a wristwatch and looking glasses are also left as small reminders. No bloody wonder they had an RTA when they left their watch and glasses at home. They could have left on time and seen how feckin’ fast they were driving.

Which occurs to me…..

Why are we allowed to look at Sat Navs and not use our cell phones? Surely they are far more distracting? Try tapping in Nairobi via Milton Keynes and going around a roundabout eleven times it really buggers them up. Mine has a very authoritative female voice but only works three weeks of the month. In the old days we couldn’t afford mobiles and a car. I tried to use cot ‘n’ crib mobiles first, but who wants to dangle from an infant entertainment system inside your vehicle during rush hour?

Next I would un-wrap a Galaxy bar of chocolate and hold it to my ear talking loudly with the windows rolled down. People thought it was a real phone when they saw me accidentally mount pavements. It was tricky in the summer though because I would go to work with a brown face and neck and be the brunt of racist remarks.

I’m a dwarf and have no interest in epitaphs because presently I seem to have a very sore vagina. This only happens when there is a lot of rainfall. Am I the cause of climate change? Astrud Gent

Dr F: No, but I probably need to cut two inches off your wellies.