This week: DENTISTRY
You fiend. My gums are in ribbons. Ivor Jawache
As a dentist you should know the drill. Instead, you ran out of amalgam and used a popular brand of fast setting household resin glue for fixing ceramics wood or metal. Now I have nothing to mend my tea mug with. Harold Dite
You removed the plaque. Now you don’t have a sign over the door. Sian Yabefore
I broke a tooth on an egg and cress sandwich. Call yourself a dentist? Lil Gap
I am 93 and its about time my dentures came back from repair. You sent them away in 1977! Nadine Support
You spent two hours exploring a leaking canal how about a glimpse in my mouth? Tina Tuna
You put me under and I awoke to find my blouse buttons undone. Sorry about that. I must have been in too much of a rush getting ready this morning. Strange, I’m sure I wasn’t wearing this pearl necklace when I came in either! Betty Diddit
Dr F: I’d like to thank you for coming but I can’t because you were asleep and I only had few minutes before the anaesthetic wore off.
I hate these sunglasses. Why can’t I have a pair like my brothers? Arthur Crown
I can’t afford £4000 for a bridge! I will just have to swim for it. Fred So
I want a Hollywood smile. How can I whiten my teeth and not break the bank? Moira Less
Dr F: OK. I need to organise a retainer for you too. Lets call it £300 now and the rest before the banks shut. Hand me that Tippex will you?
You put a cap on my tooth when I specifically asked for a deerstalker? Nettie Azzafrootcake
I’m worried about you using farming implements to fix my teeth. I’m sure dentists these days use smaller equipment? Dotty Azzadalmation
That sounds to me like you favour double entendres! Jess Tippical
Because of a bad toothache I have accidentally just reversed my truck over a small dog in the surgery carpark! Ted Toawall
DR F: My pup runneth over.
I’m waiting for you to descale my teeth. I have eczema so can you do my elbows too. Claude Epidermis
Impostor! You a dentist? My foot. Chic Keefecker
I am the unluckiest circus performer. I broke my neck missing a trapeze. I fire ate and burnt my lips off. I have gangrene of the arm because I had to give an elephant an enema and it got infected through a bad cut I got knife-throwing. Should I start looking for another job? Colin Innsikk
Dr F: What..and give up showbiz?
You dropped a pipe down my throat and vacuumed my entire intestines. I paid four quid for that jacket potato. Titus Feck
How big is my cavity and do you want me to open wide? Sharon AfaggDr F: It makes the Grand Canyon look like a crack in a care-home teapot. Lets take a look at your teeth another time. I’m going in.