This week - Defying Description 2
Why are next day breathlyser tests always such a headache for drink drivers? (Fooge)
Dr Farquar says: Tell me about it. I had to piss myself to avoid submitting a urine sample to traffic police. But I failed the breathtest and so shat myself into the bargain.
What about the Swiss? They consider it rude to greet with a handshake wearing gloves, but have fallout bunkers under their houses. Making tea visits all a bit tense anyway. (Fooge)
Dr F: I had a Swiss Army knife once. The horsehoove stone remover was crap so I shoved it up its arse to see if the bottle opener worked.
Why do all my relatives have to sleep with their sister with a rifle under a pillow to get on the ‘Jerry Springer Show’? (Fooge)
Dr F: I had to keep chickens and get all my teeth punched out while drinking diesel to get on the ‘Trisha’ Show.
What about small exotic birds that are smuggled into this country by cruel mail order companies? (Fooge)
Dr F: On the upside they are the only type to smile while they are giving you a blow job and fold your trousers properly.
Why don’t your body bags have a zip on the inside just in case you give a wrong diagnosis? (Fooge)
Dr F: Because its cheaper for me to do an autopsy anyway.
Why do people write self help books for other people? (Fooge)
Dr F: Here are some Self Help Book Titles that have been banned:
“How to spot inanimate objects that come alive”
“How to avoid inanimate people that come alive”
“How to eat inanimate animals that are probably already dead”
“How to tell people they are taking up too much room on the planet”
“The Charge of the Blue Rinse Brigade.” - Learning from our elders and why they should know better”
“Buying for Baby..or.. Shop ‘til you drop’ ”
“Bedside manners …How to become a better lover without actually having sex”
“Dieting. Where ‘Thinking Thin’ is something you do before you vomit”
“Why Trinny and Susannah get paid to dress like colour blind out of work tree huggin’ social workers and still think I look like shit”
“You are what you eat. How making sounds like Jamie Oliver has nothing to do with good diet and more to do with trying to talk with a baseball mitt in your gob.”
“Technophobia. The art of not using the TV remote because you forgot your mobile.”
“How to banish an alcohol problem. Choosing the right pubs when you are on the piss.”
“How to get rid of teenage spots. Have your kid move out with the aid of a 3000psi three phase lorry steam-cleaner”
“Marriage never works. Divorce does.”
“Good day at the office? Well, do drugs there more often then.”
“Supermarkets and shopping with a snorkel.”
“Shopping and associated symptoms. How to perfect your war strategies.”
“Caring for household Pets and traffic directions to the glue factory.”
“Hairdressing. Are you going away this year? Shut the fuck up, I’m hungover.”
“Making use of bladder erections until your nob will let you take a piss.”
“Your family Tree. You can’t choose your family, but you can find ways to poison them.”
“You can’t do enough for a good Boss. That’s why it’s better to stay at home.”
“Global warming and what the experts drive to work in (the flash cunts)”
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: