This week - Complaints 2
If you don’t want me to sue you for negligence stop ignoring my demands for a proper consultation to do with my little male problem. Jess Feckoff
Dr Farquar says: Your lust for pygmy men is not the issue. Your husband will be very hurt to know about your penchant for dwarfs and the like. My advice is to stop secretly meeting vertically challenged people. Why? Because when you're nose to nose, your toes are in it and when you're toe to toes your nose is it.
I have a complaint. The last time you gave me an enema you had both hands on my shoulders and I couldn’t drive my JCB for a week. Gunta Gitcha
Dr F: I’d run out of latex gloves that day.
This is outrageous. You assigned a traffic cop to issue parking tickets in the surgery car park for anybody who had a car in a colour that didn’t go with your window box of nasturtiums. You deserve a good spanking. Can you fit me in on Thursday? Tania Hyde
Dr F: Yes. Bring the whipped cream and hundreds and thousands. Don’t blame me about parking tickets. I rushed out to confront the officer and abused him as he wrote out another ticket for bald tyres and no road tax. I protested and tried to dissuade him by criticising his uneven sideburns but then he handed me another ticket for a broken headlight glass. You really must take more care of your car. Why not park it around the corner like I do?
I have a riddle. If quizzes are quizzical are tests testicle? Gaz Under
Dr F: No, that’s balls.
You misdiagnosed me. You said I had prostate problems. I have searched my soul and prayed for relief. Now I have accepted the sweet Grace of God and I am convinced my problem has since been cured because when I use the bathroom the Lord shines His glorious light upon me and I hunger no more. Bjorn Agin
Dr F: You’ve been pissing in the fridge.
I must complain because everytime I undress in your office you laugh at my small appendage. Can’t you see it’s been swollen like that for ages? Justin Nearly
Dr F: Don’t worry about your pathetic penis. Groundbreaking cosmetic surgery can help you. I can get you a pair of tits and call you errr……over the weekend.
You said I would be back on my feet in a week. You were right. I had to sell my car to pay your bill. Al Walkthen
Dr F: It could be worse. Think of the exercise. Leotards are cheap these days and made of Lycra. These are very attractive unless you shit yourself doing sit-ups.
I want to complain. My left leg asked me for fifty quid yesterday. Today it wants another twenty. Why? Perry Noid
Dr F: I’m afraid your leg is broke.
I’m seventeen years old. Let me tell you about my past medical history. At seven I pissed on police dogs and felt the tits of my French teacher. At eight I was doing speed and skunk between dropping acid and off my head like a twat while I dismembered my probation officer with a Samari sword.. At nine I ate junk food and shat like a lion while I robbed post offices and mugged old ladies for their scratch cards. At ten I wound up in jail with murderers and rapists who joined me in the Klu Klux Klan where I became Dragonmaster... At eleven I shagged everything with a pulse and stole cars to shag them in while I set light to vagrants as I drunk the blood of freshly slaughtered Jehovahs witnesses that were previously lured to my opium den.. Beat that! Dean Maheddin
Dr F: Well done. You seem in perfect health my boy.
But I don’t get up until midday? (DM)
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: