This week - Complaints
Why do you stereotype and it has nothing to do with Hi-Fi brands? You call mixed races ‘Johnny Foreigner’. Maybe I should complain to W.H.O. about YOU! Mitch Innmacrabs
Dr Farquar says: Be still. A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN only recently. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
Hime freeom a heeuuge hise in Seeurrey. Yah. Hime deeong moi’s degray, hat Heeton.Yah. Hits hin Socio-aqua-bio-loop-de-loop-discoversion’ steeadies. Yah. Mumsy, says, yez trooly, weel be jayning the cweem hoff one’s Bwitish echodeemia, yah, deeont yeow kneeeow? Seow, deont, teeok the peeos, tharz a gid chip. Tristan Shout
Dr F: I met your mother and, like you, she finds it hard to talk with a cathedral in her mouth. She said to me, she enjoyed having Balls in her new ‘peeosh freeock’. So, she let me wear it for a week. It cut me under the arms a bit, but it was worth it.
The Cream of British Academia, eh? You mean, students like you, who are already thick, surrounded by clots, and left on their own, start to smell rancid and are liable to go off at any minute. Listen, sonny. College life is about meaningful sacrifice, so if you end up with too much Fromage Frais on your chin, think of changing your name to Neil Doon.
You Chump! You prescribed me bourbon biscuits because you had run out of pretend placebos for my imagined symptoms. Surely, my phantom water retention of my left earlobe would be better treated with mintcreams or a jammy dodger? Mack Vitties
Dr F: Stick to bourbons. If they don’t seem to have any effect, paint a series of white dots on them with Tippex and use them for dominoes.
My complaint is reading the sick note you gave my boss. Now he won’t allow me to have my favourite salad dressing on my canteen meals. Is he out to lunch himself? Alan Adazeswerk
Dr F: Like all qualified Doctors, I never learned how to write properly. You see, it depends on the seriousness of the symptoms. If they are very serious we don’t want to alarm our patients unnecessarily and so make our written diagnosis illegible. If you try to sue me in a court of law for wrongful diagnosis I can turn to the judge and say “How do you expect me to read that load of old scrawl, you silly old bugger. Why not try catching real criminals instead of cardboard ones.”
In your case all I wrote on your sicknote was. “Suffering from bad diet and too much Malaise.”
I am allergic to your office as last time I came out in black eyes and broken legs. Call yourself a Doctor? Mahatma Coot
Dr F: I’m a Doctor. Satisfied?
I want to complain. My wife asked you for help with her acne, so you prescribed plenty of junk food and rubbed mud and horseshit into her complexion. Now she has lockjaw. You haven’t heard the last of my wife….errr….unless she doesn’t get better….that is. Gandhi Offlicence
Dr F: Give it a rest. I told you tetanus was fashionable in your village. Look on the bright side. Blowjobs are easy and I saved you a fortune in gaffa-tape.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: