Back Home

The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Communication

Do you need rhetorical questions for kids who have lots of ‘backchat’ anyway? (By Fooge)

Dr Farquars comments: If you don’t want your children to communicate with you, refuse to put credit on their phone.

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? (by Fooge)

Dr F: I approached a mime artist in Covent Garden once. It was somebody that stood for ages transfixed and was dressed as a statue of a commuter. I only sent him to get me a drink from a kiosk. Why should the poor chap have to wait endlessly for Expresso coffee before the daily grind?

You are a bigoted fool. You refused to treat my wife for her piles on the grounds that she walked on the cracks in the pavement. It’s surprising she can walk at all as her ‘Rockfords’ are starting to look like the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia in Spring. How anal is that? (By Fooge)

Dr F: That’s why I’m a qualified ‘anal’yst. I can’t defend your spouse on these health issues. Her ‘Nobby’s’ are because she has diet and weight problems. For instance, the one and only time I examined her ‘Sandy Lyles,’ I unfortunately lost a perfectly good wristwatch. How would you like it if you had to have one off the wrist while examining a women’s arse?

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? (By Fooge)

Dr F: My, you are full of questions this morning aren’t you? Melissa Piddlydick isn’t it? How is the NVQ going? I’m glad to see that you grasped the nettle to work in my office and forego a career in hairdressing and ‘doing nails’. You have much to learn. No, the laser printer has not got a ‘stun’ setting and, to your question, ‘Does killing time damage eternity?’ I refer you to your next Level Two Core unit 12 subsection G6 Part 4 with footnote dealing with “How to know when to tune your bagpipes.” .

Here it also clearly states that ‘Algebra’ is not something the Little Mermaid wears and that chocolate milk does not come out of brown cows. To answer your query “How do they get the ‘Keep Off the Grass Sign” in the middle of the park gardens?” I must only assume it was dropped by helicopter with a sign weighted like a huge wooden dart.

These are all valuable questions and I would love to know answers to them as well. You have a brain as sharp as a marble.

At your next assessment we will be studying why your Grandmother buys cottage cheese when she clearly lives in a warden controlled maisonette and how many people should be sent out to change a searchlight bulb. For now concentrate on this week's study criteria. Yes, a thermos does know if it’s a hot or cold drink and I’m sure ‘wrong numbers’ do get busy sometimes. Meanwhile do you mind making me a cup of tea and ask yourself is it possible to have a ’Civil’ war and whether you can ever draw a blank?

Are there any guilty bystanders? (By Fooge)

Dr F: Exactly. I bet half the passing witnesses in vital crimes are not ‘innocent’ at all. They probably never check sell by dates on their sandwiches and secretly fantasise about scantily clad Giraffes.

I was once the only eye witness in a case where a murder took place at a quilt sewing competition down the W.I. A fight broke out with No 8 knitting needles. Artistic differences started a feud over whose late husband had the biggest selection of ‘Battle of Britain in full colour’ videotapes and Griselda Azalea Frosticogs lunged at Winifred Wheatgerm with a loaded crochet hook she inherited from her Great Aunt Tabitha Tinnitus. She missed her target and left her foldaway chair in a most undignified fashion showing the village hall caretaker exactly what she had for breakfast.

It took me four hours to try and revive her and, to be fair, I could already taste she had run out of Steradent. She had a stroke when nobody else was looking. Not exactly a murder, but old people like Winifred, who was in her younger years a private school teacher, always wanted to be in charge of her own faculty. Pensioners are vicious competitors and want to succeed in their crafts, whether it's jam making or thimble collecting or simply saving empty yoghurt cartons ‘because it might come in handy one day’. Next time you spot a charabanc of senior citizens out and about, watch when one eats the last scone at the tea shop. You’ve guessed it. Reprisals are launched of such magnitude quite hard to imagine. Is it any wonder tyres just happen to be flat on wheelchairs when it's time to go home? How many bingo nights have you seen catheters plumper than a Florida watermelon because the wrinkly punters don’t want to ‘miss a go’ by using the toilet. Facts show that if all UK residents in care homes were laid end to end with all their possessions placed firmly on their chests to hold them down, they would still spring up from the ground like spooked deer rather than miss an episode of Coronation Street.

Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free? (By Fooge)

Dr F: As a child my mother used Vosene family shampoo. It was liberally used and had the smell and appearance of Grade 3 creosote. I would inevitably get some in my eyes rendering me quite blind for two days with eyes like pizzas for the remaining week. It felt like gravel and battery acid with lather. I used to pour quantities of my father's ‘Old Spice’ after-shave on my tiny penis to take my mind of the pain.

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? (By Fooge)

Dr F: So dental identification is kept in a bowl.

“I communicate by drawing cartoons of people on Brighton pier exaggerating their already ugly features and getting paid for it. Am I right cunt?” (By Fooge)

Dr F: Don’t be so hard on yourself. On Brighton pier you say? Deal with your self doubt by taking a long walk.

I communicate by power-walking. I am obese and say ‘good-morning’ to walkers and joggers with a series of short gasps and long wheezes. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Well done. I’m into ‘power-dawdling’. I’m getting really good at it and have to put my carpet slippers a little further away each time.


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:

New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Pet Hates
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums 2
Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy
Personal Experience
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law

Question Time