Apparently on August the 13th at 11.11am in 2012 the world is going to end. Your potato head receptionist said that the earliest she could book me an appointment with you for my rapid disintegration caused by wet leprosy and a spastic bowel is exactly that date and time. Can I move it a tad forward? Claire Lee Poorly
Dr F. I have a busy social life so you will have to wait your turn. It’s hardly the end of the world!
Around 800ad the Mayans were a tribe who invented many things we use today. They became brilliant mathematicians and numerologists pronouncing spookily accurate prophecies and even predicted 3 antichrists including Napoleon and Hitler with the third yet to come. If they knew that already, how come they didn’t stop those little shits starting wars in the first place? Surely it would have been better to warn us beforehand that such events producing old people who, because they think there is still a war effort, have to save empty yoghurt cartons by the thousand and find a 100 uses for bicarbonate of soda? Major Look
Dr F: Oh, spare me the history lesson. While I have Google I have no need for you. Yes the Mayans predict Armageddon in less than 3 years at the point of writing this. They were thought to collapse as a civilisation and commit mass suicide because of agricultural failure social and political conflict and move to Cambodia of all places. With its long history of genocide, land grabbing and political corruption I think the Mayans should have used a reliable calculator instead of the symmetry of the universe to do their sums and perhaps watched ‘hoity toity’ property programme ‘Location Location Location’. Talk about lack of foresight. This is the virtual Moss Side of Asia except without as many ASBOS. That Nostradamus was a funny looking bugger too. Imagine seeing him on the end of Brighton pier offering to tell your fortune with part of an egg sandwich hanging from his beard.
My 54 stone Mother asked me to save the icecaps from melting and go to Iceland to buy up all the Artic rolls. How planet friendly is that? Dolly Daydream
Dr F. No flies on you I see. Plenty on your mother though. Planet friendly? True. Your mother would not be out of place in her own solar system. She even wore a supernova as a negligee once, cutting her a bit under her asteroids. Friendly? Yes, she seems to attract a lot of seagulls. She jaywalked once and a sixteen wheeler Pan Technican thought her VPL was a slip road off the M6.
We are DOOOMED! I’ve just opened a chippy and now this news of an Apocalypse. I’ll never get my investment back by 2012! Crispin Dry
Dr F. Don’t blame the four horsemen for your dodgy career choice. Franchises are a con. How many dirty dogs or wheelie bins do you have to wash to get your massive down payment back and pay a corporation a slice of your hard earned cash into the so-called bargain? You want to make money selling ‘Fish and chips’? Serve them in old newspapers like when I was a lad making them taste better and start selling deep fried haggis to reduce advertising costs. Why? Because people will be repeating it to other people for days afterwards.
2012? Bring it on. Think of the insurance money you will get if your semi is hit by a Tsunami? In the UK we seem to breeze past disasters and because we spend all our wages on high premiums. I bet after the last flooding in Cumbria, soggy footed folk can’t believe their luck! After a good flood you can expect a newly refurbished house and furniture and all for just £80 a month over 60 years. Shall I post you a claim form just in case of any other acts of God? Ern Nowt
Dr F. Humph! He’s in enough trouble already. Moses should have had payment protection. Remember you’re British. Overpriced home insurance is designed to keep you poor for your entire life when you never have any feckin’ need for the bastard. As for a Tsunami hitting my ‘semi’ it won’t happen. It will be a proper erection able to withstand any force of nature.
I live in Norway. Is my snowman causing climate change and Armageddon? His buttons and eyes are fossil fuels and I’m not sure his nose is organic or even GM free? Laurie Laffs
Dr F: Ahem. Its ‘snowperson’ if you don’t mind. As a Doctor working for the NHS I have to jargon bust now and then. To be really politically correct and use appropriate speke it now appears the less familiar sight of the traditional ‘snowman’ has been replaced by a ‘significant other’ or indeed, can for the first time be a female. So now you can roll two six foot high snowballs together for the arse and stick tits on it without offending the county council.