FUN NEW DISEASE
(published 1 September 2001)
Reports are coming in of a brand new ailment sweeping the nation with all the symptoms of the common cough.Except this one is not so common, I'll have you know matey, originating as it does from the south east of England.
One sufferer, Sylvester Rambling, told the Reckless,
'So I went to the doctor and he said I had this new strain of irritable throat disorder which had been discovered in East Anglia. I said, "What's it called?" and he said, "Norfolk Cough." Well, I said, I only asked.'
Doctors are believed to be delighted to have the opportunity of announcing this excrutiating punchline to patients across the land.
**This joke will be placed in quarantine until the author is found and shot. No hamsters were hurt in the making of this story although we were sorely tempted.
YOUR FACE (published 1 September 2001)
The recent scurrilous attack on the editor of a national type rag by a man threatening to 'Blow your face' have prompted linguists into a flurry of activity. As no-one yet seems clear as to the exact meaning of the phrase, the Reckless has come up with one possible graphical solution to the conundrum. It's not big and it's not clever, so it must be in the Reckless.
Those magnificent blokes in their shiny white coats have discovered that the world renowned dead healthy fizzy liquid, Perrier water, is, in fact, made from the urine of Peruvian mountain goats.
The shock news comes as a bitter (yet tart) blow to the company already mired in controversy over its sponsorship of an award to (allegedly) funny type persons at the Edinburgh Fringe.
A spokesperson for the company, Pungent Bilgewater, said: 'These allegations are completely unfounded and, in fact, not very true at all most likely. We have scientific proof that our product is composed of the most delicious minerals in the world like. If some pish has crept in then this is purely due to human error on the part of some humans whom we keep locked in a factory in Croydon with no windows or toilet facilities. I can categorically assure you that no goats, Peruvian or otherwise, are used in the making of our fine merchandise.'
As our tape recorder was switched off, Pungent was overheard to say, 'It does taste like piss though, eh?'
BACK (published 15 September 2001)
The leader of zebra union, WNSH (We're not stripey horses), Veronica Cinderpath, yesterday demanded better working conditions for zebras in general:
'We are sick and tired (and feeling very ill today) of being portrayed on TV as mere lion fodder. It's time the viewing public were shown our less passive, more proactive side. We hold fetes, attend meetings and consultations regarding the positioning of mobile phone masts and generally retain an air of quiet dignity in our communities whilst also displaying an expression of ironically concerned detachment.
'Why, only last week, I held a candlelit dinner party where local giraffes shared caraffes of Ribena with the hyenas. Granted, the wild boars felt a little put out, but boars are not a necessary accessory for dinner you know. Despite what the funky monkeys say.
'Now where was I before I was so rudely interupted by totally irrelevant rhyming patterns? Oh yes, we constantly discuss the burning issues of the day including the scandalous reduction in circumference of the average jammie dodger.
'But do you see any of this represented on Natural History programmes? Do you buggery. All you get is some jumped up so called King of the Beasts' sinking its teeth into our gorgeous flowing manes after a particularly gruelling chase across the plains of the Serengetti, or however you spell it. This madness must stop.'
Vast hordes of skinny socialists descended on a weight watchers meeting in Auchenshoogle yesterday protesting about the lack of real spice in their lives.
When confronted by a mentally armed security guard who had pies, somebody in the crowd shouted, 'Help me! I am lost in the non-sensical meanderings of my own imagination and am very thin.'
A passing policeman, who had bridies, screamed, 'Stay back, there is no dieting to be seen here. I'm afraid I too have succumbed to the lazy brain rot of an unhindered mindset.'
Attempting to make sense of the situation, a local pop psychologist, Iluf Lucien, told the Reckless, 'It is beyond both my ken and control. I have only ever watched 3 episodes of Frasier in my entire chuff and so am not qualified enough to pass either wind or judgement on what I believe is now being called a fracas. Nice tie by the way.'
IT'S A DIRTY
BUSINESS BUT (published 22 September 2001)
Researchers in the glamorous, glitzy world of thermo-nuclear physics have discovered a new business which resembles that of show business, of which there was previously thought to be no business like.
This astounding discovery was made after a few boffins (in white coats, naturally) looked down the back of the settee to find amongst the dried fluffy jelly tots and farthings, a scrap of foolscap with ancient scribblings upon it.
One scientific type bod, Ripley Forehead, commented:
'I have in my hand a piece of paper. It's a bit grubby, mind, but I've had tests and that, so it's OK. I am in no danger. Step back missus. We have washed the piece of paper and verily it doth stink and is, inevitably rather soggy. It would appear to have been scrawled upon in days gone by by a hand much more learned and more scholarly than anything else over which I have come across and that by the way.
'Anyways up, you'll never guess what it says. It says, and I quote, "There's no business like show business - yeah right." This fantastical insight whilst appearing to some to merely reflect a pathetic sarcy comment written by an obviously disaffected old thesp, is, in fact...er...not. We have done further research into the subject and discovered that this pithy observation is based on the theory that many businesses, such as selling double glazing and aardvaark stuffing are like Show Business, in that each has a high degree of dead fabulous stuff occurring in it. Some people say I talk bollocks, others know better. I thank you.'
When asked what the stuffing heck he was blathering on about, Dr Forehead threw a big sulk and asked that his mother be present in the procedings.
CUP CANCELLED (published 29 September 2001)
...it is now
FIFA President Septic Bladder has today sensationally announced that the World Cup finals due to be held in Japan and South Korea next year have in fact been cancelled. The decision was taken shortly after England's 2-0 win over Albania and their 5- 1 demolition of Germany in Munich on Saturday night.
"We have taken the unprecedented step of crowning the winners before the tournament has even started" Bladder stated.
It seems the English press have played a major part in the episode. Bladder continued, "The English press are convinced now that going on to win the tournament is merely a formality and we have decided to save all the other teams the trouble of going over and competing."
The news has been met with mixed reaction. Brazil, France and Argentina are said to be disappointed by the news as they believed they also were in with a decent chance of winning football's biggest prize. A claim shrugged off by ex England boss Kevin Keegan,
"France may be without doubt the best team in the world but we are far stronger".
Both the Japanese and South Korean governments are said to be pleased that the tournament has been postponed. Hay A Sook the Korean Home Affairs Minister was quick to point out that the money set aside to combat the hooligan element of the English support could now be diverted to other areas.
"With the money saved we can now afford to built 9784 new schools and 763 new hospitals" he said.
Bladder however would not be drawn on rumours that the 2004 European Championships and the 2006 World Cup will also now be shelved and instead be awarded to England.
Meanwhile, the Scottish Football Association has announced that all matches to be held this weeekend will be marked with a minute's silence.