CAMP X-RAY (published 2 November 2002)
Limp wrist breakthrough

More medical marvels were unveiled yesterday as scientists discovered a hitherto unnoticed extra bit of flaccid bone in camp people's wrists.

CODFATHER CAPER (published 9 November 2002)
Guy, down chip shop, swears...

Govan chip shop proprieter, Don Corblimey, has denied deep frying horses' heads in an effort to delay the inevitable forthcoming shortage of cod.

DEAYTON DEMON DEAD (published 16 November 2002)
It's what he would have wanted

Disgraced TV presenter Hangus Deayton declared yesterday he had rid himself of his dirty demons.

When asked what in the name of all that is gorgeous and wobbly he was on about, Mr Deayton replied:

"My wings are like a shield of steel!"

And why not?

THE Q FILES (published 16 November 2002)
She moves in mysterious ways

It begins

Startling evidence of the monarch's secret past has been unearthed this week following her revelation that "there are powers at work in this country of which we have no knowledge."*

As our pictures show, the head of the nation has in fact been leading a secret life spreading indoctrination and blind obedience amongst her subjects through the auspices of the mysterious product known as The Queen's Milky Wee.

The Queen on her rounds

A spokesperson for MI5.75, Fortitude Eyesparkle, said yesterday:

"Aye, she's a canny bugger that one and no mistake."

When asked to elucidate, Mr Eyesparkle mysteriously flustered and announced he had some otters to wash before mysteriously rushing off in a mysterious fashion.

A report has been sent to the Ejaculator Fiscal.

The Queen metes out justice to an innocent member of the public who refused to drink her milky wee.

*© The Daily Blether

WINSTON'S WISDOM (published 23 November 2002)
He's dead clever you know

Professor Well'ard Winston paid a flying visit to Scotland this week to impart more of his insightful knowledge which has been delighting TV viewers across most of some bits of Britain and that.

FIRESTARTER FOUND (published 30 November 2002)
His day has come

The shouty bloke from popular beat combo Prodigy was reported to be 'in his element' during the recent firefighters' strike.

Our picture shows him happily strolling to work last Thursday as he regaled passers-by with advice such as 'Smoke more fags' and 'Make more chips.'

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