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May 2004 Archive

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WAFFLING WITH JACK (published 1 May 2004)
Cordon Bleurgh

Following his sensational waffling demonstration in wur parlymental hoose this week, First Meenister, Jack (the lard) McComical, has been offered his own cookery programme on BBC Twelve and Three Quarters.

It is understood no books have been cooked in the making of the series.

Here's hoping all your waffles turn out like Jack's!.

FISH NETS BOY (published 1 May 2004)
Gotcha, ya nipper

Fish across Scotland are wreaking their revenge on toddlers intent on scooping them from their watery homes.

Halibut Finney, a spokesfish for the Fish Union Co-operative, gurgled yesterday:

'We have had enough, particularly the Trout branch who have been consistently abused through tickling through the years. We are revolting.'

WESTIE SIDE DRAMA (published 8 May 2004)
Doggie Drive By

The War Against Terriers escalated this week with another horrific walkies-by shooting in the seedy underbelly of the crack cocaine canine cartel.

DIRTY DUKE (published 15 May 2004)
The Royal We(b)

Prince Philip has been caught following the example of Dirty Leslie Grantham by exposing his crown jewels live over the interweb.

LORIS ELECTED (published 15 May 2004)

In a surprise development in the monkey type kingdom, a loris has been elected to parliament.

News of the victory was greeted with whoops and also hollers throughout the animal world.

BERNIE BUSTED (published 22 May 2004)
Clifton Cops It

Bernie Clifton, the well-known seaside entertainer and jocular ostrich rider, has been done for speeding.

MONSTER PIMPMOBILE (published 22 May 2004)
The suspension's killing me

Channel 4's Monster Garage has come under attack this week over it's latest project involving the souping up of the popemobile.

FAT HOORS FOR JUSTICE (published 29 May 2004)
Pressure Mounts

Yet another pressure group threatened to disrupt parliament this week as the 'Fat Hoors for Justice' group protested outside the house of commons, purple condoms on hand (or inside the wee pocket in their shorts).

Meanwhile, the original instigators of the recent hoohah, have launced their own comic:

SENSIBLE AND MATURE (published 29 May 2004)
Responsible Role Models

Captain Sensible and Victor Mature have teamed up through the marvel of movie magic to produce a new, more responsible type of action film.

Movie Mogul, Oliver Sudden, declared yesterday:

"People are tiring of fights and explosions. We are pioneering a whole new wave of reasonable motion pictures where people can relish the sheer thrill of supermarket salads and sensible shoes. It's the future I tells ya!"

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