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June 2004 Archive

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ARTY ARSONISTS ARRESTED (published 6 June 2004)
Saatchi Waste

Damon Alburn from popular music combo, Blur, and art critic Brian Sewell have been arrested as prime suspects in the torching of the Saatchi warehouse last week.

Mr Alburn was spotted living up to his surname whilst speeding towards the building in a fast train, holding high a flaming torch, while Mr Sewell was seen furtively nosying around with a lighter in one of Tracy Emin's "installations".

PARKY GOES TO HOLLYWOOD (published 6 June 2004)

Michael Parkinson has decided to forego a switch to ITV and try his hand at the movies instead.

MILLINER MUGGER MADNESS (published 13 June 2004)
Titfer Tat

Police have issued photofists of the mysterious mugger behind the recent spate of hat thefts.

PICKY PIRANHA (published 13 June 2004)

A Scottish piranha attempted to take a chunk out of a small child yesterday but quickly spat her out when it realised she was not deep fried.

A spokesperson from the Fussy Fish Foundation, Mike Pike, said yesterday:

'The piranha has adapted to the Caledonian climate and now prefers it's food battered to bits. Failing that, as any fool knows, piranhas like bananas.'

BUNKER BUNGLE (published 20 June 2004)
Clown Cuffed

Police were quick to react this week when it was reported that Ronald MacDonald had become stuck in a bunker in Fife.

They swooped on the hapless victim as he attempted to hack his way out of the sticky situation with a sand iron at St Andrews golf course.

DODGY DYLAN DEGREE (published 20 June 2004)
Doctor D Doubts Diploma

Mr Bob Dylan has cast aspersions as to the validity of the honorary degree bestowed upon him by St Andrews University.

The enigmatic folk singer was clearly seen with a 'Are they taking the piss or what?' face at the recent graduation ceremony.

RELIANCE IN IRAQ (published 27 June 2004)
Saddam Good Job

Reliance have landed the contract to transport Mr Saddam Hussein to his trial in Iraq.

MY LICE (published 27 June 2004)
Itchy Clinton Memoirs

Former US President, Wilhelm Clinton, yesterday published his autobiography detailing in great detail the details bahind his head infestation.


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