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July 2003 Archive

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FORSYTH FILM FROLICS (published 6 July 2003)
What do points make?


Bruce Forsyth this week launched his film career on an unsuspecting public.

LAMBS GAMBLING (published 6 July 2003)
Spotted by Ramblers Anonymous

lambs gambling

Spotted this week and captured for posterity - lambs gambling in the fields.

NEDS REBRANDED (published 13 July 2003)
And that

Ned Kelly

Leader of the Neds Marketing Board in Glasgow, Malky Magnesia, has announced that ned culture is to be rebranded to redress the negative portrayal of the cheeky young tykes.

"We've goat wur new positive role models lined up for a new meeja campaign an that like Ned Kelly, yeez ken wit a mean?"

Mr Magnesia also revealed that they were keen to attract youngsters to their cause and to that end had recruited a cartoon superhero for the weans:

CAMPBELL COMES CLEAN (published 13 July 2003)
But wipes up the mess

Government advisor and professional thuggery enthusiast, Alastair Campbell, revealed this week that the so called Dodgy Dossier was in fact a draft screenplay for an upcoming TV drama.

Alastair, fresh from the quarter finals of the Puppy Strangling Championships, wiped baby labrador innards from his blood strewn hands as he gushed sweetly to our reporter:

"Yes, yes, it's true. I've always wanted to be an action hero and I based the '45 minutes to attack' claim on my favourite telly prog, 24. Look, look, there's the promotional poster for it down there."

And with that he made his excuses and left, but not before kicking our intrepid reporter several times in the testicles with his sharpened brougues as is customary in today's wacky world of government press briefings.

Be careful, though, cos Alastair has friends in high places. See? -

SPERM LOSES WAY (published 20 July 2003)
How the fuck did I get here?


A sperm reported missing and feared dead last week has turned up in its owner's eye.

Ironmonger and part time onanist, Geoffrey Barnowl, yelped:

"Ouch, it nippy."

It is believed the sperm took a wrong turn at the tonsils. A retort has been scent to the Joculator Frisky.

CAMPBELL'S SAUCE (published 20 July 2003)
Mmmmm...Spicy Brains

Alastair Campbell has broken into the product endorsement market by launching his own brand of sauce.

HAMSTER'S REVENGE (published 27 July 2003)


After years of ridicule, the hamster at the centre of the Freddie Starr rodent eating outrage has finally got his revenge.

KELLY'S HEROES (published 27 July 2003)
Most of these men sink like subs

Quick as a ferret up your chinos, Hollywood has snapped up the rights to the film of the scandal of the moment. Coming soon to a multiplex near you.

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