THE GREAT RIGSBY (published 5 April 2003)
Ooh Miss Jones

The updating of modern literature continues apace as news emerges this week of the latest remake of F Scott Fitzgerald's classic novel of a seedy landlord's unrequited love.

BEZ SEZ YEZ (published 5 April 2003)
Crazy Dancer Signs Up

Former Happy Mondays "performer" Bez has been snapped up by the RAF entertainment squadron in an effort to entertain the troops. Bez (real name Bez), seen here in customary constantly bemused pose, said yesterday, "Wha?"

JURY FURY (published 12 April 2003)
Four Cough

Outrage in the trial of the alleged Who Wants to be a Millionaire cheat this week as four jury members are distinctly heard clearing their throats at strategic moments.

Click here for Who Wants to be a Cheating Bastard.

SVEN'LL FIX IT (published 12 April 2003)
For you and you and Papa Pa

Controversy this week over the allocation of Sven Fixed it For Me badges to the English football squad. Little Mickey Rooney commented, "Ooh, they really smart when they bounce against your chest."

JOCKY JAPES (published 19 April 2003)
Top Darts

The newest filmic blockbuster, Jocky Scottish is released this week to the immense excitement of the folk of Scotchland. It's a rollercoaster ride through the fat filled, lager fuelled darts scene of the 70s and 80s.

SAEED'S FINAL ANSWER (published 19 April 2003)
No Friends Left to Phone

Iraqi information minister, Saeed al-Sahaf emerged this week on Who Wants to be a Millionaire but stumbled on the £250,000 question.

GOD'S SECRET DIARY (published 26 April 2003)
The Word 00 version

God's diary has been unearthed this week amid a discarded arms cache in a Paisley basement. No, really.

WEATHER PIRATES (published 26 April 2003)
Avast Behind

BBC Scotland are recruiting pirates to bolster the weather reports in order to give a more authentic flavour to the pronunciation of that most Scottish of meteorological phenomenon, haar.

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