'Calm down, erůsir?' proffered Sgt Sturgeon upon swiftly
analyzing the distressed figure before him.
'For heaven's sake, man. I am a miss,' protested a
flustered Jakey Rolling.
alas and alack,' quipped constable Iain Wankine as
he continued ushering his charges through the theatre
of chaos that was currently the Leith police station.
Sturgeon's stress levels were threatening to overload
his faculties. And the one thing the facilities could
not facilitate at that moment was a faculty overload.
However, the sergeant managed to control his conflicting
mental bombardments long enough to carry on questioning
the tatty vision of carrier bag chic before him.
murder, you say?'
A murder, I say. In Memory Lane.'
sergeant racked, stretched and retracted his brain.
'Where is that, exactly?'
fools, you fools!' exclaimed Jakey to everyone and
no-one in particular. 'Don't you see? Can't you hear?
The voices in the afterlife are screaming out.'
'Ah, the afterlife. I see,' said the sergeant. 'Now,
who is this I see behind you,' he continued, noticing
Jessie Kelso shuffling in behind Jakey.
it's guy crowded in here,' said Jessie. 'It reminds
me of that chap who had the fruit barrow at Yardheads,
just off the Kirkgate. He used to sell lovely honey
wine pears at only a tanner a pound. "Come on now
stand back," he'd say, "and let the bananas see the
Sturgeon glazed over as he plucked the Kalashnikov
from the banana tree beside his desk and liberally
sprayed its contents all over the gathered ensemble
you hear me?' shrieked Jakey as she tugged the sergeant's
sleeve, jerking him out of his reverie.
But the sergeant was only half listening. Not even
that. Probably about an eigth. His enthusiasm for
policing, and reality in general, was fading by the
second. How he yearned for the youthful excitement
which had propelled him into the force all those years
remember your father,' said Jessie Kelso, attempting
to attract Sturgeon's attention. 'Didn't he dress
up as a railway porter during the war and arrest a
right,' said the sergeant, perking up again at the
mention of his father's most famous exploit before
becoming Chief Constable of the Edinburgh City Police.
He readied himself, however, for the inevitable recall
of the next most famous incident in his father's career.
brought Roy Rogers and Trigger to Edinburgh as well,
didn't he?' continued Jessie.
sergeant half nodded, his head hung down as Jessie
was he not involved in the adoption of two Leith bairns
by Roy and his wife Dale Evans?'
sarge snapped to. 'Right, that's it. Come on, let's
be having your particulars,' he announced brusquely,
brandishing his notepad.
action are you going to take about this murder, officer?'
asked Jakey impatiently.
seeing as the incident took place entirely within
the confines of your scrambled brain cells, it could
take a while before we muster the requisite squad
of ghostbusters to work on the case.'
you suggesting the afterlife is somehow a figment
of my imagination?' asked Jakey.
Yes, I am.'
week: Who you gonna call?